Cold but I'm Still Here
by lakeia
Summary: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan. Jacob/Vamp!Bella. Title by Evans Blue's "Cold But I'm Still Here
1. Prologue: Home Sweet Home

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/VampBella, OCs

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has thrown their way.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer _**belong **_to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing.

**Author's Note**: This little brainchild came from itslikenature(_**livejournal**_) and I discussing baby names for Jacob's children. It's my first Twilight _**multi-chapter**_ fic so bear with me. You should know that this story is going to be angst-heavy and I have no idea if it will have a happy ending, so I just suggest that buckle up and enjoy the ride. It's gonna be bumpy. Also, REAL MEN cry, I hope you don't get too turned off by it (I'm thinking the "Dean Winchester" kind of crying). As of now I seem to be beta-less. My beta reader went MIA on me so sorry if this isn't up to par. If she's not interested anymore, I'll find someone else by the time I post the first chapter, but I just want to know people's initial reaction. It helps me immensely.

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**Prologue**: Home Sweet Home

Jacob wiped away a silent tear that ran down the side of his face. He lay restless on the queen-sized bed as heavy rain pelted down steadily on his small, childhood home.

It felt strange to be back in La Push after being away for such a long time—a bit disconcerting really. Everything in the room looked exactly as he'd left it eight years ago. His oak, dresser drawer was unmoved in the far corner while clothes that he'd left behind hung in the small, cramped closet. Everything was the same—unchanged—yet, everything was so drastically different.

He fixed his gaze on the ceiling above before letting out a heavy sigh.

_Correction: he was different._

The funny thing though, was that love always had a habit of doing that to you—to changing you in the most profound ways. This change could be for the good, as well as for the bad. He'd known that first hand at the young age of sixteen, but the love that he'd felt for his late wife, Lily—he didn't know the true meaning of the word until she came into his life.

_My Lily…_ Jacob felt as if his heart had grown claws and was desperately trying to cut its way out of his chest. _My sweet, sweet Lily…_

He still could not believe that she was truly gone.

He groaned softly in an effort to stifle the pained sob that threatened to escape his lips. The tears, however, flowed freely. Wiping them away felt tiresome and futile because the source of his anguish would never cease. The ache present in his chest was so immense that it hurt to the point of physical pain. He rolled over onto his side, clutching the pillow underneath him. He'd done so, so tightly that he could have sworn he heard the cotton threads ripping apart between his fingers.

She'd been _**everything**_ to him.

She'd given him six years of blissful happiness and unconditional love that he'd once thought he'd never find, let alone be blessed enough to experience. Also, the precious gift of a healthy, beautiful, baby boy that they'd conceived just months after getting married. It was purest testament of their love for each other.

_Oh God no!_

Jacob's eyes widened in horror as he felt a thin layer of perspiration form on his tan skin. He took in deep, ample breaths. He needed to calm down, to reign in his emotions, but he could already feel the change gnawing at him from the inside. His body began to jerk involuntarily.

He was close to phasing.

Over the years, he'd learned how to control the shift from man to wolf—how to will it forth and keep it at bay even during times of intense anger—but when Ethan was born, he'd made the decision to stop. He saw no need to continue shifting. He'd yet to run into any vampires in San Diego and he wanted to experience a normal life with his new family. This included aging with them. But what Jacob discovered was with his emotions being so erratic during his time of grief, he was back to square one in terms of controlling the change, or his lack of control regarding it.

He felt angry and lost all the time and the only thing that seemed to help calm him was the peaceful face of his little boy who slept soundlessly beside him. Well… make that the _**worried**_ face of his little boy who'd woken up when the bed started to shake underneath them.

"Daddy…?" Ethan's sleep laced voice trailed as a flash of lightening cut across the sky. "Daddy are you okay?" He used his little hands to try and wipe the sleep from his eyes.

Jacob bit back a curse as he desperately tried to control his body.

Ethan usually didn't sleep very well during thunderstorms, but Jacob wasn't surprised that the little guy hadn't stirred when the clouds rolled in. He was exhausted. The plane trip from San Diego to Port Angeles was tiring enough, not to mention the hour and half drive they'd taken to get down to La Push.

"It's alright buddy," He reached out a shaky hand, running it over his son's black hair and down the side of his face. His tone was a shade lighter than Jacob's, but rich nonetheless. His eyes, however, were solely inherited from his mother. A shade of crystal blue as brilliant as the waters of the Caribbean Sea. He knew this because he'd taken Lily to Isla Mujeres; an island located just off the coast of the Yucatan Peninsula, for their one year anniversary.

"Daddy's fine," he urged, offering him a smile. "Go back to sleep okay."

The tremors were slowly subsiding.

These days, it seemed like his son was all that kept him together. That was what he desperately needed; to hold it together. He couldn't afford to fall apart—not now—but all the same; he didn't know what to do with himself.

He wanted to be strong; to be there for his son and he was, but it was nights like tonight—when sleep refused to take him—that he was left with his thoughts and with them came a pain that was too much to bear.

Jacob pulled the little boy to him, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. "It's okay," he soothed, smoothing back his hair. The storm was not going to let up anytime soon so he knew without a doubt that Ethan would have trouble getting back to sleep.

It also helped him to have one of _… Lily use to…_

"Daddy's here," he swore, cradling him against his bare chest. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."He stroked Ethan's unruly locks until he heard his son's breathing become shallow. Jacob could tell that he'd been fighting it at first. He could only imagine what he looked like in his son's eyes a few minutes ago. It was obvious to him that Ethan was worried about him and that did not sit well with Jacob at all.

His son shouldn't have to do the worrying. As his father, it was suppose to be the other way around.

He'd lost his wife, but Ethan had also lost his mother. His son was young, but Jacob knew he understood the void now present in both their lives.

He needed to be stronger.

Not just for himself, but for the precious little boy sleeping in his arms. He was the greatest treasure Lily had left behind and she entrusted Jacob to do right by him. He could not—would not—fail her.

Not again.

Jacob closed his eyes and allowed his son's steady heartbeat to become his lullaby; to bring forth that soothing wave of calmness that surely sleep could not even evade.

He never allowed his mind to dwell on the sickeningly, sweet scent that saturated the sheets they slept on and filled every inch of the bedroom because with it was the faintest scent of a girl he'd known some odd years ago.

It was the scent of a girl who'd swore to him that when she gave up her life—when her heart stopped beating—it would be done for the sake of love.


	2. 01: Going Through the Motions

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter One**: Going Through the Motions

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing.

**Notes**: Special thanks you to: **NusiainForks**, **Harleygreen**, **Avada Cantare**, and **Starbritt816 **who took the time to actually review. I really appreciated all of your kind words. It really helps motivates me to write faster. Keep it coming. 

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**Chapter One**: Going Through the Motions

"Good morning."

Jacob looked up from the local newspaper to see his father wheel himself into the kitchen. Billy tried his best to be subtle as he watched him out of the corner of his eye, but Jacob caught the look of scrutiny all the same. He watched as Billy made his way over to the coffee maker by the stove, pouring himself a cup.

"Morning Dad," he offered him a smile for good measure.

Truth be told, he was growing tired of people watching him so closely. It felt as if they were merely biding time; waiting or anxiously anticipating when he would breakdown and fall apart. He fully understood that his actions thus far hadn't necessarily helped to dismiss their need for worry—he'd earned the stares that greeted him at every turn—but nevertheless, it still annoyed him to no end.

Billy rolled over to the table. "So what are you up to day?" he casually asked before he took a swallow of the black liquid in his white mug.

Jacob faltered a little.

"Well…uh," he wasn't quite sure if now was the right time to bring it up, but Billy _did _ask. He'd actually been avoiding this all week. "I thought I might…you know, check out at few real estate listings," he answered truthfully.

He and Ethan had been in La Push for over two months now and he had to admit, he hadn't made things easy at first. He was angry most of the time, depressed the rest. There was hardly an in between. Billy truly picked up the slack with Ethan and Jacob would forever be grateful to his father, but it was time for him to get his shit together. This involved thrusting himself back into the real world whether he was ready or not.

"You're moving out?" Billy frowned, his thick brows knitted together. "I thought this was the whole point of you coming back—to come home and be with the people who love you. You know, draw strength from having your family and friends close by?" he exclaimed, putting down his cup.

"It was," Jacob nodded, "I mean it _is_… why I came back."

This was one of the reasons why Jacob didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it because it really wasn't. He couldn't rely on Billy to continue taking care of them, even though he knew his father was more than happy to do so. He was the parent now—the adult—and he needed to start behaving as such. He wanted to start by finding him and Ethan a new house to live in; a place that they could call their own. Jacob didn't see the problem.

"It's why I'm sticking around _instead_ of going back to San Diego," he clarified. There was nothing left for him there. "It's just—I need to do something, Dad. I mean, this place isn't exactly big enough for all of us anyway. There are only two bedrooms and back home, Ethan had his own room. I need to start trying to make things as normal as possible for him," he said, eyes falling back down on the listings. "And this way, you get your house back," he added jokingly. It was half- hearted.

"Jacob, this is your home as much as it is mine," Billy smiled. "I love having you and my grandson here."

"Yeah…,"Jake breathed. It wasn't that he hadn't missed his father or the pack when he was away. He was even proud that his son was getting to know his heritage because there was a very good chance that the wolf gene had successfully passed to him. Knowing the Quileute legends and history of their people would only help smooth the transition when the time came.

It was just that—he was _**happy**_ with the life he'd made for himself— with the life he'd made with Lily. He'd fled this place eight years ago with a broken heart and now he'd returned in the same condition.

"I just," Billy spoke tentatively, "I wish that it was under different circumstances," he said. His voice quivered just slightly.

_Oh fuck that!_ Jacob quickly dismissed. He shook his head, adamant.

"Don't …don't do that," he held up a hand to stop him. "Dad, please…"

He'd made up his mind that today was going to be the first day that he went without shedding a tear. He just—he needed one day under his belt, but if this conversation was headed where he thought it was he would fail even before the day really began.

Billy sighed.

He understood exactly how Jacob was feeling. Lily's death had actually brought up memories of his own late wife—his beautiful Sarah and the fatal night of the car accident that took her life. A part of Billy even believed that that was the reason Jacob resisted in confiding in him. His tragedy mirrored what happened to his mother.

"Jake, I want to you to listen to me for a minute," he waited patiently as Jacob begrudgingly looked up and gave his full attention. "I know…," Billy wanted to choose his words as best he could. "I know that it hasn't been easy for you these past couple of months. Losing the woman you love so suddenly and trying to hold it together for your family…," he trailed.

Jacob could see the flood of memories mask the features of Billy's gentle face and he wondered if he was getting a glimpse of himself in twenty odd years, still just a little bit broken.

"I could sit here and tell you that it's gonna get better, that it's just gonna take some time, but instead I'll just say this: it's _**okay**_," Billy declared. "It's okay__for you to feel whatever it is that you're feeling because you're not alone. I'm here—we're all here to help you."

_So today's a no go then,_ Jacob thought forlornly. He hung his head and with a hand over his eyes, he quickly wiped away the tears that threaten to spill over.

He cleared his throat before his spoke.

"I know that, Dad and I appreciate all that you've done, but I can't afford to just wallow anymore," he explained. "My son needs me and I think I've put him through enough in these last couple of months. I can't do that to him. I can't…"

"You don't think that Ethan knows how much you're hurting right now? He's a smart kid and he understands that Lily is gone. He knows how much you loved his mother and he knows that you're missing her."

Jacob flinched.

"So…he's talked to you about it?"

"Yes, we have," Billy answered.

"Okay so, you know how _**he**_ must be feeling right now." Jacob said angrily. He was more upset with himself than anything. "I didn't just lose my wife; he lost his mother. I know what that's like at his age, but I'm too wrapped up in my own shit that I feel like I haven't even been there for him when he needs me the most. Lily's death was something that was out of my control, I get that! But this—," he gestured absently to the current state of his life and how it was in shambles. "I'll be damn if I fail him too!"

Billy's frown deepened. "Jacob…what do you mean 'too'?"

Jacob sighed heavily.

His jaw was clenched as he calmly folded his hands underneath his chin.

He didn't mean to say that.

"I just meant that I'm not gonna lose my son, even though it seems to be my M.O," he smiled mirthlessly before he elaborated. "You know—this while being completely powerless to help the people I love the most. First there was mom, now Lily…" he snorted a little. "I couldn't even save Bella," he professed.

_This is so wrong_, Billy thought, shaking his head.

"You know, I cannot for the life of me, understand why you're so dead set on placing this burden on yourself." Billy said, saddened. He was literally at a lost. "What happened to Lily, your mother, even Bella—Jacob none of that was your fault. You can't carry this around with you. It'll kill you, trust me I know."

"You think I like being like this?" A look of pure disgust masked his face. "I've never felt so ashamed of myself Dad—all weak and on edge all the time and just so damn angry! I hate it, but when I look around and she's not here, I feel like I'm fighting just to breathe half the time."

Billy reached over, placing a comforting hand on his bare shoulder. A dewy wetness coated his palm. "Jake you have to—"

"Damn it!" Jacob cursed as he jumped up from the table. The wooden chair fell to the floor with a hollow crack as he rushed over to the kitchen sink and splashed his face with cold water. His whole body started to shake. He took in deep, ragged breathes, resting his head on his forearm against the counter.

"You need to go see Sam."

Jacob gripped the counter for support. His eyes were tightly shut as he tried to calm himself —tried to stop the change. "I, I, can… I can handle it," he stammered.

"You haven't phased in nearly five years," Billy pushed. "It's like your body's on reset. Sam helped you through the transition the first time. You should go see him."

"Okay, okay," he agreed, holding up a hand. "Fine, I'll … I'll go see Sam."

He did not feel like arguing with him about this so it was best to placate him if nothing more. He took a minute, his breaths long and labored as the shakes started to let up. He slowly stood upright, wiping the sweat from his brow.

The problem wasn't necessarily his body.

It was the fact that his emotions were wreaking havoc _**on**_ his body and being back in La Push where the intense scent of leeches seemed to fill the air—his bedroom even—the wolf was begging to be unleashed. There was this innate need to phase and he was fighting it. Therefore, during times of distress, his body acted on its own accord. He couldn't afford to be this out of control, especially around Ethan. He was doing a good job thus far of calming himself, but what about the next time? He couldn't risk it.

"Um, I'm gonna go hop in the shower and then I'll head over there," he announced, taking a few tentative steps forward. Confident that his legs were steady enough, he walked toward the hallway.

Billy twisted in his wheelchair to look at him. "Are we gonna finished this discussion about you moving out?"

"There's nothing left to discuss," he shrugged, lingering at the threshold "We'd be getting a place in Forks, if not on the reservation. It's not like we're leaving the state."

"I know." Billy laughed a little at himself. "It's just that… I just got you back. I'm not ready to let you go just yet."

"Dad," he sighed. "I need you to let me deal with this my own way. You asked me how you can help me. _**This**_ is how."

Billy said nothing more on the subject.

He absently ran the towel over his short, spiky hair. Tiny droplets of water trailed down his toned muscles as he exited the bathroom and padded his way down the hall.

His day was set.

He would drive over to Sam's place and figure out how to get his phasing back in sync. He didn't know exactly how the older wolf would handle him showing up on his door step (if the fact that he hadn't bothered to see Jacob in the months he'd been back was any indication—he might be screwed).

Technically, Jacob did abandon the pack, but that was just something that the two men were going to have to deal with later. He was back indefinitely, he was a werewolf, and this problem needed to be handled, not just for his sake but for the pack's as well. Whatever issues there were between them would have to be put aside. He actually hoped to have this taken care of before Ethan got home from kindergarten.

Billy enrolled him in the Quileute Tribal School and from the way his son went on and on about his day each when he was tucking him in, Jacob knew Ethan enjoyed going there.

That made him happy.

Reaching his room at the end of the hall, he stepped inside and nearly choked on the surrounding air. His body grew rigid.

_That scent. _

That ******devilishly** _**sweet**_ scent hung so thickly in the air that the tremors overtook him immediately. Overwhelmed, he dropped down on all fours.

It was too much.

The same stench had been plaguing him for the longest time, but never had it been so present; so _**potent**_ as if… as if a vampire had been in the very same room with him. Naked and shaking uncontrollable, he cried out as his body started to rip apart. He couldn't deny it any longer.

_Just like riding a barmaid_, he thought jokingly, but all sarcasm was tossed aside when a snarl erupted from deep within his chest. He heard the sharp snap of his bones as they popped from their sockets and shifted to accommodate his new form. His teeth grew jagged; his canines elongated and sharpened in his mouth as his muzzle extended forth. Within seconds, he was standing on four legs instead of the two he'd grown accustomed to, covered in reddish-brown fur.

"Jacob!"

Billy busted through the door so suddenly; Jacob did not have time to bite back the growl that escaped his muzzle. He stood on his hind legs, ready to pounce. The wolf was truly taking over.

_Change back_, he pleaded desperately with his body. _Change! Change! CHANGE!_

Nothing happened.

Being in full form, his heighten senses were taking control and with the scent engulfing him, every bone in his body warned him to stay on alert, to hold his stance.

"Just calm down," Billy moved further into the room. "You can do this Jacob, just calm down."

The wolf whimpered.

He tried to focus on his father's voice, tried to do as instructed, but it wasn't working so he thought of the only person who had a knack for keeping him grounded. He concentrated as hard as he could on one face—one sweet, little face that brought such an ease to his heart and much to his elation, his body slowly, but _**surely**_ started to phase back. Sweat covered his naked frame as he panted from the floor, human once more.

"What happened?"

Jacob heard Billy speaking, but it barely registered.

Instead, his gaze focused on something else. He reached out with a shaky hand; his fingers curled the lustrous metal that lay concealed just underneath the bed.

"Jacob what is it?" Billy came closer.

He slowly opened his hand.

With wide eyes, he held up the sliver bracelet, a delicately carved wolf charm hanging from it. The wood used was russet brown in color, similar to his skin tone.

_It__can't be_, he thought, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Bella…?"


	3. 02: Questions on Top of Questions

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter Two**: Questions on Top of Questions

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing. Also, an Evans Blue fanatic has been hounding me on so let me say that the title is named their song, "Cold (But I'm Still Here). Like you didn't already know that, right? :/

**Notes:** I tried to make this chapter pretty much well rounded. You might think it's filler and it very well could be, but it's just my personal preference to focus on details for added richness even when I'd rather move it along to the jest of story. Everything has a natural progression and sometimes things have to be addressed before we can get to what we want to.

**Previous Chapters**: Prologue/One /

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**Chapter Two**: Questions on Top of Questions

"You know why I'm here, right?"

Sam Uley nodded, "Billy called me, yes."

_Just perfect…_, Jacob thought with a slight roll of his eyes. His father's newfound need to meddle was quickly becoming too much, but at the present time, he refused to let that get him off the task at hand. He had a few questions, and Sam was going to provide him with some answers. Hastily, he reached into the pocket of his distressed, leather jacket and pulled out the bracelet.

"What the hell are vampires doing roaming around La Push, Sam?"

He watched closely as the older wolf frowned before taking hold of the homemade jewelry practically thrust in his face. He appraised it somewhat absently, though his eyes rested just a minute longer on the wooden charm, before he handed it back to him. "She's not a threat to anyone," he stated simply, face deadpanned.

Jacob's eyes widened.

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with the real Sam?" he asked incredulously, shaking his head. The man he knew eight years ago would never have said such a thing, let alone allowed something like this to go down, unhandled on his watch."She's a leech! There's no such thing as _'not a threat'_ when it comes to them, you know that… or at least you _**use**_ to," he added accusingly.

"Jacob, there's a lot that you don't know," Sam said. "A lot has happened since you've been gone."

"Well please, enlighten me," he urged with mock enthusiasm. "I skip town and the next thing you know, we got vampires settin' up shop on the reservation. It must be one hell of a story."

Jacob, however, could not see himself accepting any scenario where this situation was okay. Nor did he have any intentions of deluding himself into believing that some fraction of the Bella that he once knew still existed in…_it_.

Bella made her choice.

She was now what she was; the past could not be rewritten or undone.

Jacob was trying to focus on the now and _**right now**_; he had a vampire who felt quite comfortable sneaking her way in and out of his bedroom. He felt stupid that he hadn't put two and two together sooner. He remembered the sweet stink that nearly suffocated him the first night he'd been back and how quickly he dismissed it due the fact that—living in San Diego— bloodsuckers were pretty much scarce.

He figured that he'd been desensitized to the offensive odor and now that he was back, the scent was merely overwhelming him. This was obviously not the case. The scent belonged to none other than the vampire Bella Swan.

_Bella Cullen, _he corrected.

It made him sick just thinking about it.

"Why don't you take a seat Jake," Sam said, pulling the young man out of reverie. He gestured to the porch steps.

When Jacob pulled up to the house in his black, Chevy Camaro, he found Sam in the back shed doing some yard work. He'd been so eager for an explanation; he declined to go inside before confronting him. He leaned against the edge of the porch instead, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets while Sam took a seat on the steps.

"What about the treaty?" Jacob asked offhand. It never occurred to him that he would have to ask such a thing, but with Sam's newfound sympathies for vampires throwing him for a loop, he felt that the subject was worth bringing up. "I mean, that much couldn't have changed, right?"

It was Sam's turn, however, to roll his eyes.

"The treaty still stands Jacob," Sam stated with somewhat annoyance. "But you should know that there haven't been many Cold Ones in the area for over two years now. The Cullens left right after Bella and her mind reader got married; after you took off," he clarified.

"And…?" Jacob spoke impatiently, a sneer on his lips.

He still did not understand how that constituted Bella having free rein over La Push. Why she was being treated so differently from any other leech they'd come across in the past?

"Charlie told your father that Bella was simply moving away after the wedding, but we all knew better. They were leaving to avoid breaking the treaty," Sam explained. "When Bella came back about a year ago, she was changed of course, but she extended the same courtesies that the Cullens once had to our great-grandfather long ago. She pledged to live off the blood of animals and in exchange we would not expose her for what she really was. And being that we knew the girl she once was, we… _**reluctantly**_accepted the new treaty."

"So… just so we're clear, you made no stipulations about her stepping foot on Quileute land?" Jacob asked. His head was cocked to the side; his brows furrowed and his face pensive. "You just gave her the okay to come and go as she pleases on my property; around my father when anything—"

"_**Billy**_," Sam interrupted sharply, his eyes were narrowed. "Billy has always been protected." He was insulted that Jacob would even insinuate that he wasn't doing his job in regards to Bella; let alone that he was failing to protect one of his own.

Jacob scoffed, shaking his head. "Honestly, you keep suggesting that she's not a threat as if that's supposed to make to feel better, but here she is, creeping around my house; my _**family**_—Sam, I don't know what the hell she's capable of!"

Well, no, that wasn't entirely true.

He knew exactly what her _**kind**_ was capable of, hence his concerns, and if Sam could not understand that; if he could not see why this gave him cause for worry, then they had even bigger problems than he thought.

"She looked for you."

Jacob frowned, "What?"

"Jake, if you could have seen how disappointed she was that you weren't here…," Sam continued, eyes glazed over slightly as if reliving the memory. "When Embry told her that you'd left years ago, before the day she got married—I think if she was capable of crying she would have done so right there," he said, shaking his head in pity.

_That sounds about right_; Jacob thought unable to catch himself. _Bella could always… _

He stopped short. He wasn't gonna do that. "Why are you telling me this?"

Sam was truthful, though his face was a bit regretful. "Because…I think you should see her."

It took Jacob a minute to comprehend what Sam was saying but when he understood it; fully understood, he could not stifle back the laugh that escaped his lips. It was mirthless and bitter, but a laugh all the same.

"Is dementia one of the side effects of hanging out with leeches because that's not just a hell no, that's a no way in hell," he swore, roughly pushing himself up, off the side of the porch. He turned to face Sam dead on, face now serious and glowering. "Do I have to remind you what you said to me the night I left town?"

He had no intentions of going there; of bringing up the past, especially where Sam was concerned but the man seriously had him floored. Suggesting that he go see Bella now that she was vampire?

_What the hell is this?_ He wondered, at a complete lost.

"No, you don't," he answered somberly. "I remember what I said to you."

"Okay, so where is all of this coming from?"

"Jacob when you came to me that night and told me about your plans to leave, I know I could have handled —"

"It doesn't matter," he interrupted, shaking his head. He didn't want any part of this conversation. "I got over it."

And for the most part, it was true.

He'd long since let go of his resentment for Sam and the way he treated him that night. Before he took off, he actually went to Sam and told him of his plans to go away for a while. He had no intentions of just leaving his father and his brothers without word, but he knew that he was no good to anyone in his current state so it was best to disappear for a bit, regroup if you will. Sam, however, could not seem to understand that. He associated Jacob's need to leave with running away; with being a coward.

"Jake, I just think that if you meet with her, you won't have to ask yourself or _**me**_ for that matter, all of these questions about why she's back," Sam reasoned. "You gave her that bracelet, what—the day she graduated from high school? She's kept it all this time; I don't think she meant to just leave it behind for you to find it."

Sam seemed so adamant about getting him in Bella's corner that Jacob had to wonder if something else went down that he didn't know about. Sam was never invested in Bella. He considered her downright fickle and foolhardy due to her involvement with vampires but now that she was one, he was what… her new BFF?

"This is ridiculous," he argued. "When I came to you, what did you say to me?" he demanded.

Sam hesitated for a moment.

"I told you that she wasn't worth it… That she'd made her choice and it wasn't you so the best thing that you could do was just get over her, because we, _**your family**_, needed you here."

"Exactly," Jacob argued. "You never wanted me with Bella. You never understood my need to be with her." Sam all but said his feelings were that of a simple boyhood crush. As if the love he once felt for Bella could in no way compare to the love he felt for his precious Emily.

"Jake it wasn't like—"

"I actually think that's what's so fucking annoying about you guys that imprint ya know? You think those of us who haven't can't even begin to comprehend real love because _**somehow**_ our biological makeup isn't forcing us to become slaves to complete strangers," he spat, angry. "You look at it as if it's this wonderful, rare, and powerful thing but in actuality it's just a byproduct of genetics—of being a damn wolf! You'll never truly know the person that you're claiming to be meant for. You'll accept all their faults and flaws not because you accept all that they are, but because you honestly don't have a choice."

Sam rose to his feet, "Are you done?" he wondered; nostrils flared and fists clutched at his sides.

If Jacob didn't know any better, he'd swear Sam wanted to take a swing at him. He couldn't hide the satisfied smirk that formed on his lips.

He'd just gotten started.

"But how quickly one forgets," Jacob took a few steps forward, closing the space between them. He was just an inch or so taller than Sam. "I've been inside your head, Sam. You and Leah… you _**loved**_ each other. You can't deny that and I thought that you would understand where I was coming from, but you didn't even give me a chance."

He broke from the pack that night.

As Ephraim's great-grandson and the true Alpha of the Quileute tribe, it was his birthright and he'd made the decision to step up only to be free of it all. Afterward, he couldn't even bring himself to care about the outcome.

Jacob scoffed, "Now…I'm done."

With a roll of his eyes, he turned and made his way around the house, heading back to his car. He should never have come here. He doubted that Sam would have been able to help him anyway with the phasing issue, but nonetheless, his visit would make his father happy and that was enough for him. He would just have to find another way to get his phasing under control.

He heard Sam following suit, but he did not slow his pace

"Same ole Jacob Black," Sam yelled, disapprovingly. "You'd rather run away from your problems than face them head on!"

Jake stopped dead in his tracks, pivoting around. "Same ole Sam," he snapped back. "You'd rather be all high and mighty than admit that you're full of shit!"

"What do you want me to say Jacob?!" Sam was frustrated and it showed as he stalked over, hands flinging in front of him. "That I'm sorry about the way I handled things that night? That I shouldn't have backed you into a corner where you felt like your only option was to break away from us? I do okay! Is that what you want to hear? I do wish that I could have done things differently."

"It doesn't matter," Jacob exclaimed. He was so cold that Sam had to take a step back, his anger momentarily replaced with shock. "It changes nothing. You don't have to say anything. I can't even be mad at you for what you said because it got me here."

Sam didn't understand.

"It got me here, at this point in my life," he clarified. "I had a beautiful wife, I _**have**_ beautiful son. Everything happened the way it was supposed to I guess, because I honestly would rather have had her in my life for this short amount of time than to never have known her." He looked around at the woods surrounding Sam's home and smiled somewhat to himself. "You can resent me all you want for leaving, but I'll never be sorry I got the hell outta here," he confessed.

"What happened to you Jacob?" Sam breathed.

It truly hurt him to see his young brother in such despair. He knew Jacob had taken the death of his wife hard—he couldn't imagine the pain he was in—but to see the pain in his eyes firsthand was something else entirely.

To Jacob, Sam's question wasn't complicated at all.

"Life happened," he said. "I just grew up."

He waited for Sam to say something but after an uncomfortable silence settled between them, Jacob turned again to leave. He made it to the driver's side of his car before Sam spoke.

"Billy said that you needed my help with phasing." He reminded him. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave things the way they were between them.

He ran a hand over his hair, wincing slightly. "Yeah, I uh, I've been having a little trouble keeping my body under control lately."

"Well…," a smile tugged on Sam's lips as he gestured his head toward the edge of the forest. It was subtle invitation. "Let me show you how it's done rookie."

At that, Jacob had to laugh. It was an actual, genuine laugh.

"You did not just say that to me?" he challenged, shrugging off the leather jacket that hugged the contours of his broad shoulders and fit build. He tossed it in the front seat of the car. "I haven't been a "rookie" for quite some time now Sam."

The older wolf grinned. "Well you're starting from scratch now pup and when Seth's got you beat in the phasing department, you _**are**_ a rookie."

_Okay now that hurt_, Jacob admitted as he nursed his somewhat bruised ego. He knew it was all in good fun though.

"I'll let that slide since Billy always told me to respect my elders," he quipped as he reached behind with both hands and pulled his dark gray t-shirt over his head. He tossed it alongside his jacket.

Bare-chested and ready, he walked over to Sam and simply smirked.

"Okay old man—teach me something."

If only it were that simple.

After a few hours of coaxing and only two successful changes that managed to stick for just a few minutes, both Sam and Jacob came to the realization that there was not much the older wolf could do for him. Sam pulled his sweat pants up over his hips as he emerged from behind the bush, fully clothed.

"God, Billy wasn't lying," he said, walking back to Jacob's car.

"Thanks Sam," Jacob spoke dryly. "Because ya know, my own personal inadequacy about this entire situation just wasn't _**quite**_ cutting it without your glowing commentary on my phasing impotency," he drawled, sarcastically. "Thanks for that."

"I'm sorry," he shrugged. "It's just… I don't know what the hell Billy thought I could do for you. I couldn't even hear your thoughts the times you did manage to change. I mean, now that you've broken away from us, you can't reintegrate. You're an Alpha, which means you run your own pack."

But Jacob didn't have a pack.

"Which basically means I'm on my own," Jake concluded before he sighed. "It was worth a shot anyway."

He knew that the chances of Sam being able to help him were slim. He did take into account the fact that he was no longer a part of their pack and being able to hear each other's thoughts would play an integral part in helping him ease back into being a wolf. But then again, he didn't view the day as a total waste. He managed to change at least twice at will. Granted, it wasn't long, but it was progress all the same. He would keep at it. He'd been rejecting the change for so many years now that he would just have to train his body to accept the wolf within. He was confident that he could get that balance back it would just take some time.

Jacob hopped into his car, grabbing his discarded t-shirt. He caught the sight of Sam eyeing the muscle machine with a sort of whimsical adoration and couldn't help but grin. His "baby" had that effect on a lot of men. "She's a beauty isn't she?"

Sam let out a low whistled in appreciation.

"She's absolutely gorgeous," he declared, running a hand over the sleek paint job.

Jacob reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the key. When the motor turned over, the Camaro purred to life.

"Oh and she makes the sweetest sounds," Sam practically moaned. "73?"

Jake shook his head, "70," he corrected, noting the year of the Rally Sport.

"Nice," he nodded in approval. "So are you takin' off right now? The kids will be home any minute from school, but Emily gets off of work at four. We could grab a few beers; call the rest of the pack over and hangout, maybe even give phasing another try?"

Jacob winced.

As tempting as the offer was—having the entire pack there to watch him flounder—he had to pass."Actually, I'm gonna head back to Billy's," he said, "I actually want to be back by the time Ethan gets home."

Sam pointed to the dirt road up ahead.

"Well you might want to get a move on," he urged as a yellow school bus came to a stop on the dirt road in front of the house. "My little monsters are home."

Jacob craned his neck in order to see Sam's five- year old daughter, Amelia and his seven year old son Daniel, both get off the bus. Ethan didn't ride the same bus, but he did go to the same school which meant that he was on his way home as well.

"Hey Dad!" Daniel yelled, as he rushed past them, shrugging off his Dragon ball Z backpack in haste as he ran up the steps and into the house.

Sam shook his head disapprovingly. "We have company," he yelled after at the boy's retreating form. "I'm sorry about that, he gets real eager to get out of his school clothes and go play."

Jacob shook it off; he didn't have to explain anything to him. He remembered those days as a kid. _Who had time to meet their parent's friends when their own were calling them?_

"Daddy!"

He turned his attention to the small voice and watched as Amelia jumped happily into her father's open arms. "Eskimo kiss," she smiled and Sam quickly obliged. He ran his nose affectionately against her button one before she wrapped her little arms around his neck, head resting contently against his shoulder.

_More like a wolf's embrace_, Jacob noted. "Sam, I'm gonna take off, okay?" Seeing Sam with his own kids made Jacob even more anxious to get home to Ethan. He thought maybe they could do something fun together. Billy was going over to the Clearwater's for dinner anyway; they would have the house to themselves. A little guy's night would be nice.

He missed having those.

Sam drew his attention away from his daughter. "Uh, sure thing Jake, we'll talk later."He watched as Jacob put the car in reverse, waving once as he turned onto the dirt road and out of view.

"Daddy, who was that?" Amelia asked. Her little was face thoughtful.

"Well," Sam smoothed back her long, dark hair, shuffling her in his arms. "That's your Uncle Jake. He's Grandpa Billy's son. He's been gone for a really long time but now he's back for good," he answered. "He just needed daddy's help with something, that's all."

"And did you?"

Sam immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, his body rigid. It was a natural response—the proper response—but he willed his body to relax as he turned to face his new visitor.

His daughter, however, could not be contained. "Auntie Bella!" she yelled in sheer excitement. With her arms outreached, she squirmed and wiggled in Sam's grip until he passed her over to the vampire who waited with open arms.

"Hey munchkin," Bella smiled, pinching her cheeks. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Amelia spoke absently. Her eyes were trained on Bella's face in awe. "So pretty…," she cooed as her hand rested on the cool, marble skin. It sparkled as a ray of sunlight escaped the cloud cover above.

She grinned at the little girl before turning her attention back to Sam. "So what's the verdict?" she asked, though with Sam, the silence said everything.

"You've definitely got your work cut out for you," he said, shaking his head. "What you're selling Bella…Jake ain't buying."

She wasn't surprised.

After everything she'd put Jacob through, it would only fitting that she would have to work in order to find a place in his life again. But one of the perks of being a vampire was that she had all the time in the world and now that Jacob was phasing again, so did he.

Bella was unable to hide her smile.


	4. 03: The Jig is Up

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter Three**: The Jig is Up

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing. Also, an Evans Blue fanatic has been hounding me on so let me say that the title is named after their song, "Cold (But I'm Still Here)". Like you didn't already know that, right? :/

**Notes:** Well… don't have much to say about this chapter. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess this is the chapter that _**some**_ have been waiting on. We'll see how this goes. And as always thanks to for being a great beta.

*******

**Chapter Three: **

The Jig is Up

Jacob chewed on a mouthful of popcorn, holding up seven cards in his hands. His face was thoughtful as he straightened up on the couch before leaning forward.

"Do you have any threes?" he asked his clever opponent from across the coffee table.

Ethan grinned, shaking his full head of curly, black hair. "Go fish!" he said, downright gleeful and Jacob chuckled, doing as told. He withdrew a single card from the deck. It wasn't one that he was looking for.

"Okay Dad, it's your turn." He looked over to Billy who sat parked in his wheelchair at the edge of the table. With furrowed brows, it was clear to see that the older man was confused.

"What am I suppose to be getting again?"

"Five cards of the same suit," Jacob laughed. "Come on old man, we're getting our butts handed to us by a four and a half year old at a game of _Go fish_ here."

"Well, that's easy for you to say son, _I've _never played this game before," he grinned, arranging his cards. "So I'd like to think that us losing says more about you than it does about me."

"Touché," Jacob smiled, eyes back on his hand.

Unless something _else_ had changed in the past eight years, Billy never played a game such as this with him nor Rachael or Rebecca when they were kids. He preferred fishing and camping trips to board games like _Clue_ and _Monopoly,_ so it said a lot that he was making an effort to be in on he and Ethan's guy's night. He wasn't surprised in the least, but it just felt good—the normalcy of it all—being with his family; smiling, laughing and just having a good time. He hoped for more days like this.

Ethan put his cards face down on the table, getting up off the floor. "It's okay Grandpa, I'll help you," he offered, rushing over. His rested his hands on the arm of Billy's chair, leaning over to look in his hand. He rose on his balls of his little feet, whispering into his ear while keeping a cautious eye on his dad.

Jacob actually found his son's need to be secretive quite amusing considering that no matter how low he whispered, Jake could _still_ hear everything due to his superior hearing. Billy knew this of course, but said nothing. The young wolf watched as Ethan smiled with satisfaction when done. He quickly plopped back down in his seat on the floor, picking up his cards.

"Thank you Ethan. I'm glad someone is willing to help out this _**old man**_," Billy said indignantly, eyeing Jacob. "Do you have any nines?"

"Sure, sure," he smirked, rolling his eyes. He handed over two of his cards and watched as Billy showed his set of nines before placing the completed book face down on the table.

"How 'bout any threes?"

"Go fish," Jacob said, and watched as Billy drew a card from the deck. It was already down pretty low and so far his son had the most books which meant that if the game ended now, he would be the winner. "E, it's all on you little man."

"Daddy, do you have any…," he looked down at his cards just to make sure, "do you have any… sixeses?"

Jacob grinned, "Its pronounced sixes," he corrected, "and no, I do not. _Go fish_." He was prepared to ask Billy for his next card but when the older man spoke, his words were cut off.

"How'd it go today?"

He could only assume that Billy was referring to the meeting he had with Sam. _Took him long enough,_ he thought, rearranging his cards.

He expected his father to bombard him with questions as soon as he got home, but that hadn't been the case. "What, you don't already know?" He figured that just as easily as Billy called Sam, informing the older wolf of his trouble phasing, another call was also made to Billy informing him of how the day went down. "Do you have any queens?"

Billy checked his hand. "Go fish," he said absently. "I don't know anything. Sam didn't call—if that's what you're thinking—besides, I wanted to hear from you how it all went. Was he able to help you?"

"It's your turn Dad." This discussion really wasn't something that he wanted to get into in front of Ethan. As expected, he looked to his son and sure enough the four year old was staring between the two in an effort to learn what they were going on about. Or maybe he just wanted Billy to go, so he could have his turn. Either way, this was a conversation he'd prefer they have later (out of earshot) rather than now.

Billy's eyes followed Jacob's and immediately he understood. He returned to the game. "Do you have any eights?" he asked Ethan.

The rest of the game was played half-heartedly by the two men, both preoccupied with his persistent dilemma. It was somewhat a relief when Ethan drew the last card on the table signaling the end of the game. He'd gathered the most suits so he'd also won. Each gave the little guy high fives and congratulations before Jacob looked up at the clock hanging on the adjacent wall.

"It's getting late buddy, time for bed," he gathered up the discarded cards and put them inside the box. "Go get your PJs and I'll go run your bath in a second okay?"

"Okay," he nodded already letting out a small yawn.

Jacob ran a hand through his hair as he passed. "Good game buddy." He waited until Ethan padded away, down the hall before he spoke to Billy. "The meeting went okay Dad or…about as well as I expected it to."

"So what do you plan to do now?"

He shrugged, "I figured that even though I'm not a part of the pack anymore, I could at least try to go on few patrols. Just get back into it all."

"And what about Ethan?"

Jake frowned, shaking his head. "What do you mean?"

Ethan was one of the main reasons why he decided to accept phasing again. Since his body was so damn determined to fight against his own wills, he was more complied than ever to find a way to control himself. The very thought of hurting Ethan while—he could never survive that. Sam of all people knew the importance of finding that balance of control and aside from him being pack leader, Jacob was starting to believe that his father had another reason entirely for insisting that he get help from Sam. That maybe it had more to do with Sam's incident with Emily…

Billy wheeled himself around the table to face Jacob. "Well, if you're going to start running with the guys again, don't you think Ethan is gonna start to wonder where you are at all times of the night when you're not here? And what about your plans to move out, find your own house? I mean, who's going to be with my grandson when you're not?"

_Those are valid questions_, Jake thought and he had to admit he hadn't really thought it all through.

The meeting with Sam had literally put a kibosh on the whole house hunting thing (he'd made his plans before he found out that Bella was in La Push and actually welcomed onto their land. It didn't feel right to leave his father here alone no matter how much Sam told him differently) and he hadn't really thought of who'd be here to take care of Ethan when he decided to patrol again. He kind of figured that Billy would be there to pick up the slack, but wasn't that the reason he wanted to move out in the first place? So he could take back the reins of being a father to his son?

At the time, phasing with the pack was just an idea, but also the most plausible step. He'd moved back to a town where vampires were more than just a reality—they were an actual threat. He couldn't afford not to be prepared or on alert for any danger that could come his way.

"Okay, I haven't really thought about all that," he admitted. "I guess I could hold off on looking for a new place to stay. In all honesty, I didn't know how I was gonna break the news to Ethan anyway without him giving me those puppy dog eyes about leaving his grandpa all alone."

Billy smiled.

Jacob rose to his feet. "Well, let me give Ethan his bath and then I'm taking a shower and heading to bed. You're staying up?"

"Oh, no, too much fun for me in one day, I'm beat," Billy grinned, shaking his head. He rolled from behind the table toward the hallway. "I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Goodnight Dad." He looked around the messy living room and made a mental note to clean up before hitting the sack. He ran the bathwater, making sure that the temperature was okay before going into the bedroom. He found Ethan still rummaging through the dresser drawer in search of his pajamas.

"What's the holdup pal?" he frowned, leaning against the doorframe. "They should be in the bottom drawer there; you need me to help you?" It never took him this long to grab his favorite _Transformers_ sleepers.

He shook his head, grabbing a hold of the bundle. "No, thank you. I got it." He stood in front of Jacob, staring up with a smile. "I'm ready Daddy."

Jacob didn't move.

Not a day went by that he didn't see a bit of Lily in him, but those eyes…those eyes just clenched it. They conveyed such an overwhelming sense of warmth and kindness that left Jake breathless at times. It was moments like these when he realized that even though she was gone, he would always have a part of her, not only in his heart, but also in Ethan. He represented the best of the both of them and he was so grateful to have that.

He picked up his son and planted a big, nosy kiss on his forehead that caused the little man to giggle. "Daddy!" he protested and Jacob planted another. "I just love you kid. Do you know that? Do you have any idea how much Daddy just loves you? " He said, making his way down the hall into the bathroom. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"Oh so much!" he exclaimed. "It was so fun havin' grandpa play with us. He's so cool, Dad!"

Jake grinned. "Well, he feels the same way about you bud. I'm glad you had a good time."

He washed Ethan up and put him down for bed. Once his head hit the pillow, he was pretty much down for the count. Jacob took care of the mess in the living room as well. He put away all the leftover food and tossed out the trash before he took a shower. The clock on the wall read _11:30_ p.m. when he padded down the hall into his bedroom to get some sleep.

"Hey Jake."

The scent hit him like a slap to the face, making it hard to breathe, let alone think. He grabbed a hold of the door frame, trying to steady himself and immediately felt the wood splinter underneath his grip. After all the cat and mouse games; all the sneaking in and out of his place, she was here.

She was here, in his room, seated on the edge of his bed with her gaze on his son.

He started to shake.

"Please don't," Bella said, shaking her head. She looked to him, then back down at Ethan. "At least not here."

He nodded subtly, trying to control himself. It wasn't for her sake at all, but he doubted that this room could take a throw down between a vampire and a werewolf, let alone those void of superhuman strength and the ability to heal quickly. He looked at Ethan sleeping soundly and as always, felt himself relaxing a little.

"What are you doing here?" He asked when he regained the ability to speak. Jacob knew for a fact that there was a reason why Bella chose to show herself to him. She'd been so elusive all this time, why change that now unless she wanted to make her presence known.

She took an unnecessary breathe before she stood. "I wanted to see you," she stated simply. "I would have…you know, sooner but I thought it was best to wait a while."

Jacob scoffed, "you thought right."

She gestured her head to the open window. "Why don't we got outside and talk?" Bella suggested and Jacob shook his head.

"I don't think so," he folded his arms across his bare chest. "Right now my son is the only thing stopping me from phasing and tearing you apart. Since Sam and the others seem to have grown…_**attached**_ to you."

She smirked a little, "I'm not as fragile as I use to be Jake." She joked and he narrowed his eyes. Her shoulders dropped as she sighed. "Please?"

He didn't object for a second time so she took that to mean a yes. She exited just like she had entered, slipping easily out the window.

Jacob preferred using the front door. He pulled down the white t-shirt he'd grabbed leaving the house as he met her at the edge of the clearing. The closer he got, the more he allowed himself to actually look at her underneath the moonlight.

She looked exactly the same, though not the same at all. Dressed in a light blue, flannel t-shirt and dark blue jeans; she didn't look much like a powerful vampire. Hell, she'd always been so alarmingly pale that it had never been much of a stretch to lump her in with the Cullens to that regard but now, there was no mistaking the fact that blood no longer flowed through her veins. Her eyes were no longer a dull brown, but shined with an ocher brilliance that for years screamed enemy to him.

He stopped just a few feet in front of her and she offered him a smile.

He waited, face unchanging.

"Your son is beautiful Jacob," she said. "You must be so proud. I always knew you'd make a wonderful father."

He ran a hand impatiently over his brow and sighed. "You didn't call me out here to talk about my son and just for future reference, any mention of my son that comes out of your mouth isn't really a good conversation starter for you. Just so we're clear."

Bella looked down as she nodded and Jacob knew he'd hurt her feelings.

_God, her mannerism are exactly the same_, he noted as her arms wrapped around her middle. She only did it when she was trying to put on a brave face, trying to hold herself together. He didn't really understand the point of it now since she was pretty much unbreakable these days.

"Um, so, how…how are you doing?" She asked.

His brow rose. "Are you serious? It's 12 a.m. and you sneak into my house and invite me out here to what—to chat? Why are you even here Bella?"

"I told you," she said, looking him dead on. "I wanted to see you. I _**needed**_ to see you." She considered that everything that came out of her mouth at this point could be misconstrued so surely a simple question couldn't be offensive?

"Yeah, I heard you the first time." He spoke dryly, unfazed. "I meant, why are you here? Hanging around La Push? Where's Prince Sparkles? You remember him, right? He's the leech that you couldn't stand to live without. He's the one you gave up your life to be with!"

Bella ran a hand through her hair, taking a breath. She fought to find the right words. "Look Jake, I know that you're not happy to see me okay…"

He shook his head, laughing mirthlessly. "Oh, I'm "not happy" when Seth drags his ass over just to eat up all my food. No, the word you're looking for right now is _pissed_!"

"Fine!" she shrugged, "you're pissed at me. You don't want me here. I get it okay, but I just wanted to let you know I'm not leaving so like it or not, you're going to have to get use to seeing me around.

"Oh, your absence can be arranged." He threatened, taking a step forward.

Bella scoffed. "I'd like to see you try," she said just as evenly, unaffected by his attempt to intimidate her.

They were silent, each staring the each other—well in the case of Jacob, staring down since he towered her. She had some nerve, he'd give her that. Bella had always been stubborn and it shocked him a little to see that even though she'd been turned, there were instances where he did in fact see that girl he'd known all those years ago.

He didn't like knowing this.

It meant that maybe; just maybe, his friend was still in there somewhere, amidst the awful smell, inside that marble casing. And he just wasn't ready to accept such a thing. It was easier to stew and with everything else going on, he really didn't like the prospect of Bella inserting herself back into his life. Things were less complicated that way.

"I think we're done here," he said.

"Well, I don't want you to go. Please Jake."

Jacob shook his head. "That didn't work when you were still breathing," he acknowledged, remembering that afternoon in the tent before the newborn attack—a lifetime ago. "It has just about as much affect on me now as it did back then."

"So is this how it's gonna be for us?" she wondered, shaking her head. "After everything that we meant to each other?"

"Looks like it," he said, turning to leave. "Do us both a favor Bella—don't come back here again."

"Jake!" she called, but he kept walking. "I'm sorry okay! I'm sorry that I didn't pick you. Is that what you want to hear?"

Jacob stopped in his tracks.

_Some nerve indeed_.

Basically she'd been telling him to get over his hang ups because she was here to stay. He understood that, but he also wondered which specifics _hang ups _she was referring to—was it the fact that she was a leech now or the fact that she didn't choose to be with him?

Now, he knew.

"Bella," he started. He wanted to choose his words carefully if only to keep his temper in check. "You made your choice—it wasn't me—and … I can honestly say that that's okay," he said. "It took me a while to get that. You can't help who you love and even _**when**_ you love someone, maybe's it's just not enough. It took me a long time to get that, but I got it."

"Jake—"

"But I really should be thanking you Bella."

She frowned. "I don't understand…"

"Because you said no, and then I met this girl who said yes," he smiled before shaking his head. "And I… god, I didn't make it easy for her, but she took me, Bella. She took all of me. Now I have a beautiful son because of it, so I'm really not inclined to think about the _"what could have been"_ with you. The present is far from perfect, but I'll take it any day rather than go back down that road with you."

More than ever, he was convinced that nothing good could come from their reunion. It was better to just let sleeping dogs lie.

Bella's face sank. "So you're saying that we can't even be friends now?"

"Honestly, that's not what I getting from you," he argued. "It's like, it's like you've come back here to claim or recapture something."

He wasn't trying to be malicious or to issue some form of payback. He actually felt a twinge of guilt because he knew that his words were hurting her. He hadn't forgotten the promise he'd made. Some things were just harder to shake than others.

"Jacob," she looked down. "I just need…"

This number he knew by heart.

She was asking him to make this okay for her; to make it okay for her to come back into his life, but he just wasn't that guy anymore. It wasn't his job to fix her; to make things alright for her. He'd retired that hat—actually he'd burned it to ash—and he had no intention of replacing it with a new one.

"And just so we're clear. Sam and the others have pretty much let you have a go of this place. They think you're harmless, and even though I disagree, they seem hell bent on keeping you around."

"Jacob, you know that I would never hurt anybody. You know that," she stressed.

He shook his head. "I really don't Bella, but that's not the point. You can do whatever you like, that much is obvious, but my kid is off limits," he stated looking her dead on. "This is non-negotiable. I do not want you near my son and if I _**ever**_ catch you at his bedside like I did tonight…_**nothing**_ will stop me from tearing you apart and burning the pieces."

At the look on her face, Jacob fully understood what Sam meant about if Bella was capable of actually crying. She looked heartbroken, but no tears spilled from her eyes as they would have in the past.

Solemnly, she nodded before she replaced her arms around her middle. "I never wanted it be like this Jake," she said.

He turned and headed back to the house. "Always about you Bella, some things just never change," he replied, never looking back.

***

**Note2**: Not my best, I know. Some of you are probably disappointed in the Bella/Jacob reunion and I'm ready for it. I'll just say that Jacob's won this round, but Bella isn't done yet. Jake might even go a little easier on her once he finds out the actual story behind Sam and the guys trusting her. That will be in the next chapter.


	5. 04: The Hero or the Villain

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter Four**: The Hero or the Villain

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing. Also, the title is named after Evans Blue's song, _Cold (But I'm Still Here)_.

*******

**Chapter Four: **

The Hero or the Villain

"Daddy, I think Grandpa wants a dog."

Jacob Black nearly choked as he looked from under the hood of his car to Ethan who sat comfortably on the garage floor. "A dog?" his brow rose as he smirked, "what makes you think that?" he asked curiously.

"Well," the young boy fiddled with the rusty, old toolbox at his side. "Well…dogs are nice," he proclaimed, a little sheepishly. "They can play with you and protect you. They're all cuddly and they'll always be your bestest friend." He drawled with a big smile.

"It's pronounced _"best"_ friend," Jake corrected with a grin, "and that _is_ true," he acknowledged, placing his head back under the hood for a second. "Hey bud, could you hand me the _Phillip's_ head screw driver, please?" he reached out his hand. "And be careful for me."

Just to be safe, he subtly peeked over from behind the hood and watched with a certain sense of pride that only a father could have as Ethan quickly found the tool within the box. He'd actually taught him to know the difference in certain tools by the time he was three and a half years old.

Lily thought he was just perpetuating the endless misconception that a father could only truly bond with his son when power tools and such were involved (her words, not his), but Jacob quickly explained that even if they'd had a daughter, as a member of the Black clan, she would be required to at least know the difference between a Phillip's head and a flat head screwdriver or questions of her paternity would be a must. Of course he was just kidding, but Ethan proved that he had a natural gift as well as a genuine interest in knowing the inner workings of a machine just as Jacob had during his youth. The little boy never failed to amaze him.

"Here you go Daddy," he handed over the tool and as Jacob took it, he ran an affectionate hand through Ethan's unruly hair. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied with a smile, taking a seat back onto the floor.

Jacob returned to the carburetor and their previous discussion. "So…are you absolutely, positively sure that it's _**Grandpa**_," he stressed, "who wants to get a dog?"

"Well, I could help too," the four-year old offered and Jacob couldn't help but grin. "It could be everybody's doggie."

_The kid is smooth_, Jake thought, thoroughly impressed with his ability to slide his own wants into the equation and make it seem like an afterthought. It took true skills and something that only a pint-size like him with doe-eyes could master.

He straightened up from under the hood and grabbed the rag out of the back pocket of his cut off shorts to wipe his hands. "I'll tell you what; I do recall that a certain someone I know has a birthday coming up really soon."

"Me!" Ethan exclaimed, excited.

"You?" Jacob asked, shocked.

Ethan's face fell. "Daddy…," he argued.

"I'm just teasing you," Jacob grinned before scooping the little boy up in his arms. "I could never forget the day my baby boy came into the world at seven pounds, nine ounces and covered in goo. It was the best day ever!" He kissed his forehead, before placing him back on his feet. "So with this whole dog thing for _grandpa_, we'll see what we can do by then, okay?"

Ethan could live with that. "Okay," he quickly agreed.

Jacob realized the irony of the situation. If only Ethan knew that at the drop of a hat, his own father was capable of turning into a giant _"dog"_. He could only imagine the look on Billy's face when he brought up the subject.

He never thought he would have to explain something like this to his son considering that he'd made the choice to stop phasing after his birth. Plus, Ethan was only four (about to be five). Could he expect him to understand this at such a young age?

Then again, they lived in La Push. Werewolves were a common factor here and he couldn't expect everyone in the pack to pretend that they weren't different all for the sake of his son. Ethan hung out with Billy at the Clearwater's on a regular basis. He had frequent play dates with Daniel and Amelia at Sam's place—how long could he keep the truth from him?

Speaking of Sam, if they didn't get a move on they were gonna be late for the barbeque at his and Emily's place. It was a one of those rare days when the sun decided to come out from behind the thick overcast of clouds and in true fashion, Emily worked quickly to make sure that everyone got a notice to attend the small get-together.

"Hey, we've gotta—"

He paused mid-sentence, turning toward the garage opening. The sound of someone trekking up the gravel walkway vibrated in his ears and when recognition dawned on him, his frown deepened. "Emily?" He watched as she entered the small shed, hands gripping her small purse.

She smiled, "Hey Jake."

"What are you doing here?" he greeted her with a light hug. "We were just about to go inside and get ready for the barbeque."

"Well, I'm glad I caught you then," she said before looking down at Ethan. "How's it going little man?"

"I'm fine, how are you?" he replied and Emily's smile widened.

People were often pleasantly surprised by the level of respect he showed to his elders. Jacob was not. Lily always taught him the importance of having good manners and he used them accordingly. He literally had everyone on the reservation eating out of the palms of his little hands; especially Leah. This sort of threw Jacob for a loop considering that her normal, _**surly**_ attitude clashed so drastically with Ethan's natural, sunny disposition, and yet she couldn't get enough of the little guy. A part of him wondered if any of that adoration had anything to do with the fact that she was unable to have kids of her own.

"I'm doing good," she nodded. "I know Ami can't wait to see you today."

"Hey, um, why don't we go inside?" Jake suggested, gesturing toward the house. He quickly placed the discarded tools back into the box before closing the hood of his car. He picked up Ethan as they made their way back up the walk, into the house.

He bent down to face Ethan. "Can you do me a favor and go in the room and pick out something to put on for the barbeque while I talk to Emily for a minute?"

The little boy nodded before giving Emily a small wave. It was one that she returned along with a smile as he quickly disappeared down the hall.

"Can I get you anything?" Jake offered, walking into the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"No thanks, I won't be staying long. I've got Sam, Seth, and Embry setting up everything at the house, but _**apparently **_they can't do anything without me so I told them I'd make it quick."

Jacob grinned softly before taking a swig of the amber liquid.

"They don't know that I'm here Jacob."

He frowned, "okay? So clue me in Em," he urged. "Why are you here?"

"Jake…," her voice was hesitant though he knew that she would say whatever it was that she was trying so hard not to. She clutched the straps of her purse tighter and Jacob slowly started to get this sinking feeling like he was about to be ambushed. "Jake, I want to talk to you about Bella."

Jacob groaned, "Oh come on Emily! Not you too?" He placed his unfinished beer on the counter in frustration. It felt like he was also hoping against hope.

He didn't want to talk about Bella. He didn't even want to think about her. As a matter of fact, for the past two weeks now, one of his main goals in life was _**not**_ to let his mind wonder onto brunette bloodsucker, but damn it all to hell because ever since that night and despite everything he'd said to her, he couldn't do anything but. It was driving him crazy. He didn't need Emily dredging any of it up.

It'd been so much easier to be upset and seek her out for answers when she was playing the whole cat- and -mouse game, but now that he'd told her to leave; he couldn't stop the questions that kept coming up. He wanted to know what happened between her and Cullen and why out of all the places she could go, she chose to come back here? He didn't even know if having all those answers would satisfy him, yet, he couldn't help but wonder.

"I know, I know," Emily grimaced, pulling him out of revere. "I tried to stay out of it Jake, I really did and I also know that I'm asking a lot of you by even being here, but I think that you should know everything before you decide that Bella isn't welcome here on the reservation."

He sighed as he leaned against the kitchen counter. "Go for it." She couldn't tell him anything that he hadn't already heard from Sam and the others. The whole _"she's harmless"_ routine was their basic defense and since Emily had wasted a trip by coming here, he figured the least he could do was hear her out before he sent her on her way.

She sat on the arm of the sofa in a small huff, running a weary hand over her marred face in hopes collecting her thoughts. After all these years, Jacob barely noticed the savage markings, but they were not so subtle reminders as to why he bothered to continue his phasing sessions with Sam.

"About eight months ago, Seth went patrolling as usual near the border," she started. "You know just regular, routine stuff because since the Cullens took off, Sam and the others hadn't come in contact with many vampires; one or two at the most near Forks and they had no problem handling it."

Jacob nodded, urging her to continue.

"Anyway, _**that **_day Seth caught the scent of something different—of another vampire that wasn't Bella. Everyone in the pack knew Bella's scent by then anyway. She started sneaking onto the reservation on a daily basis and we knew that in her own way she was just trying to be closer to you even though you'd been gone for years," Emily admitted before she shrugged. "We figured that since she wasn't hurting anyone and she'd already come to Sam with an offer to uphold the same conditions of the treaty that the Cullens had, that we didn't need to worry about her."

She grew tired of holding onto the little black bag hanging on her shoulder so she tossed it unceremoniously onto the sofa. Jacob could not place her mood but he noticed that she was getting excited—becoming flustered—and he had no idea why. "So what happened?"

"He became more than the guys could handle. This vampire, he was…," she searched for the right word, "…_elusive_. They were spread too thin; getting pulled from all side and every fresh trail seemed to meet a dead end."

"How is that possible?" Jake asked.

After their showdown with the vampire, Victoria and all her newborns over eight years ago, their pack had grown drastically. He found it odd that a group of twenty or so werewolves were unable to handle one leech even given their tremendous strength.

"You're not the only one who took off Jake," she said tautly unable to even mask some of her resentment. "Not everyone shares the same level of commitment to being a protector for our people like Sam does. Like Seth, Embry, Leah, and Paul," she clarified. "Other members of the pack went on to live their lives too."

Jacob scoffed, "well why wouldn't Sam just order them to stay?" He honestly didn't get it. As alpha, it was within his power to do so, and they wouldn't have been able to refuse the order no matter how much they wanted out. He knew that much at sixteen and newly changed.

"I think it had a lot to do with the night that you took off. Sam felt horrible about how things went down between you two. He felt like he'd backed you into a corner and you didn't have much of a choice but to run away. He didn't want that for the other guys Jacob. If they wanted to leave in search of something better, he didn't want to stop them. Plus, he knew that if they didn't want to be here helping, then it would only be dangerous for those who actually did."

"Tell me more about the vampire," he instructed in hopes of getting back onto the subject but imagine his surprise when she abruptly started to cry. Within seconds, he crossed the room and knelt down in front of her.

"Emily what happened?" he asked urgently even though it was completely wasted. Everything was obviously fine now, but you would never know that by looking at her. Whatever it was that she was about to tell him; the memory was clearly still raw.

"He took her Jake! He took Amelia," she confessed, tears flowing freely though not heavily from her eyes. "Daniel was inside the house with me. Ami wanted to go outside and play and I thought it was safe. It'd _**always**_ been safe. I went outside to check on her and she wasn't there. By the time Sam got back from patrol, I was completely out of it. I was screaming her name—I just wanted to go into the woods and look for my little girl, but Sam wouldn't have it. He and the rest of the pack took off after the scent, but they couldn't find anything. Sam was absolutely devastated, but he was trying to hold it together for me and in front of the others. I thought I would never see her again."

"Hey, hey," Jacob cupped her face in his hands. He gently ran his thumbs over her tear-stained cheeks to wipe away the fresh tears. "It's okay… she's home now and she's safe."

She nodded, taking in a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said, allowing his hands to fall back at his, "just finish telling me what happened."

"_**Bella**_ is what happened Jake," she smiled through the tears. "In the end, it was her who gave me back my daughter."

He was unable to hide his shock. "What?"

"The guys heard the clashes—even me—it was as loud as thunder. They found Bella having an all out throw down in the northern part of the woods just past the park, which is now considered a clearing Jake—completely demolished. She actually held the vampire off long enough for Sam to get Amelia out of there then she helped the rest of the pack destroy him."

Jacob slowly stood.

It made more sense now; why everyone trusted her. She'd saved one of their own even when she didn't have to. He could understand that but he wondered why anyone hadn't bothered to tell him this from the beginning? Sam, Seth, hell even his dad; all had an opinion on the subject, but none of them had even come close to mentioning this.

"It wasn't anyone else's place to tell you what happened and it's not something that Sam likes to talk about," Emily said as if reading his thoughts. "It still haunts him that he wasn't there to protect her. It still haunts _**me**_ to think of what could have happened if Bella hadn't been here."

"Okay, so why tell me now?" he wondered.

He was beyond grateful that Bella was here to help Sam and his family and maybe (not maybe, he _**knew**_) if the situation was reversed, if it'd been Ethan, he would be more than inclined to trust her. But it wasn't, so _**he**_ wasn't, even though he completely understood where Emily and Sam were coming from. Also, Bella didn't have to stay off the reservation, just away from his family. It was simple enough; he didn't understand why Emily felt the need to plead her case.

"I'm telling you this because you should know," she said pointedly, "I have no idea if it will change anything, but I thought I could at least try."

"Em, Sam already made it clear that he's okay with Bella being here and it's become pretty damn obvious to me that I can't even keep her out of my _**house**_, let alone off the entire res, so I'm—I'm done," he stated, heading back into the kitchen. He chugged down what was left of his beer.

Emily narrowed her eyes as she stood. "Jacob, how can you even act like that when you know as well as I do that the only reason she's even in La Push is because of you?" she accused following him into the kitchen.

He scoffed. "You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," the young mother stressed, "and I think that's one of the reasons why you're fighting her being here because you don't want to think about the fact that once Bella was turned, she realized that she made a mistake."

_Oh wow!_ Jacob thought, doing a double take. How the hell did they get from talking Bella's status on the res to this? Did Emily have some kind of inside information that he didn't know about because she seemed pretty damn sure of herself. Jacob just knew for sure that he wasn't about to have _**this**_ conversation.

He scratched his head absently, trying to use what little tact he did have. "I think it's time for you to leave Emily. I'm sure Sam is probably wondering where you are by now."

She shook her head, defiant. "I'm not going anywhere Jake because you know that I'm telling the truth. Just like you know that if you didn't still care about her in some way, you wouldn't be fighting this as hard as you are."

Jacob's eyes widen. "What am I fighting exactly—you know; besides the right not to have a vampire around my kid? What's so wrong about that?" He grabbed another beer out the fridge. It did absolutely nothing for him, but he suddenly had this intense desire to fortify himself with her here.

"Nothing," she answered curtly, holding her hands up in mock surrender. "If that's your only reason but we both know that it's not."

He was silent.

"You know, if I remember correctly," Emily continued, "when you first changed into a wolf, you were so afraid that Bella would turn her back on you. That she wouldn't be able to accept this new person that you'd become so you thought it would be better to just push her away."

"What's your point?" he shrugged.

He didn't need a recap of the past, he'd lived it.

Emily sighed, "The _**point**_ Jacob is that she never let you. She still wanted to be there for you in spite of everything; all the werewolves versus vampires drama. Even when you thought you didn't deserve to be her friend—when you thought of yourself as a monster. Of course Bella's different now, but she's still that friend. She was there for you when you needed her, why is it so hard for you to do the same?" she wondered.

He finished off his beer in one long chug before he spoke, "You wanna know the difference between what happened to me and what happened to Bella?" He didn't wait for her to answer. "She made the choice to become what she is! I didn't have one. So don't come in here trying to sell me on poor pitiful her, because her choices actually came with consequences."

Her face lit up. "Oh, so you admit that pushing her away is some kind of punishment for not choosing a life with you?" she challenged, rolling her neck with a nasty attitude that Jacob didn't care for at all.

He looked at her, incredulously. "That's _**not**_ what I meant and you know it."

"Here's what I do know," she offered, stepping around the small table to face him. "I know that it's been hard for you these past few months. I can't even imagine the heartache and the pain of losing someone you love so suddenly like that." Jacob turned his head to look away, but Emily quickly cupped the side of his face, bringing his gaze back to meet hers. "But I _**also**_ know that you're fighting to find your way back. And I think that it could only help if you weren't so focused on things that happened in the past; so willing to hold onto all that anger and resentment that you have towards her and everyone else instead of just letting it all go."

She smiled up at him. "Come on kid, you had a wife and you have one _**kickass**_ son, but Bella…," her face fell a little. "She's all on her own. I just think she needs something that only you can give her right now."

He was doubtful. "And what's that?"

"Acceptance," Emily answered without hesitation. She let her hand fall. "What was more natural than the friendship between you two even when she was the girlfriend of a vampire and you'd just found out you could transform into a giant dog?" she grinned. "The love and devotion that you had for her isn't something that just fades away. I think it's always gonna be a part of you."

"Em…" he let out a defeated sigh as he stepped away from her. _She doesn't get it_. "Do you realize that it's taken me all this time just to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning that doesn't entirely involve my son?" he asked. "I loved Lily and I—"

"And I'm not trying to diminish that," she swore, shaking her head. "God Jake, I would never think that the love that you shared with your wife should be forgotten or tossed aside, but you know as well as I do that it's completely possible to love two people at once. It can be a different kind of love, but love all the same."

To Emily, everything seemed so simple, but to Jacob it was anything but.

She had no idea what she was asking of him and a small part of Jacob wondered if she even cared as long as Bella got what she wanted. After all, a mother's love is a mother's love. If she felt as if a debt was owed to Bella for saving Amelia, he was more inclined to give Bella what she wanted and according to her, what Bella wanted was him. It was, however, difficult to ignore some of the things she'd said when they ranged a certain level of truth.

"Daddy, are we still going?"

Both Jacob and Emily turned to see Ethan lingering in the hallway. He was dressed in a different set of clothes, face curious. Jacob had no idea how much he'd heard but it was obvious that he'd heard something while they talked or in some cases, yelled at each other.

He put on a smile.

"Yeah we are. We're gonna go, but uh…," he turned to Emily and sighed deeply. _I'm know gonna regret this_. "Emily is gonna take you with her to the barbeque and I'm gonna head over there a little later."

"You're not coming with us?" Ethan frowned.

Jake knelt down in front of him. "Oh yeah, I'm gonna be there buddy, I just have to…," he wanted to bite back the words. "Daddy just has to go see an old friend. It's not gonna take long at all so I'll be there."

"Oh okay." His voice was a solemn as he looked down.

Jacob could see that he was a little disappointed and immediately he felt guilty. He grabbed a hold of Ethan's little hands, squeezing them gently. "Hey, you're still gonna have fun. Grandpa's gonna be there, Seth and Leah…" he looked to Emily for backup and she quickly jumped in.

"Yeah all the guys can't wait to see you: Embry, Jared, Paul, and Sam just brought this new race car set for Daniel and he can't wait to show you," the young mother exclaimed.

"See? You're gonna have a blast bud and I promise I'll be there, okay?"

"Okay," Ethan nodded with a smile.

Jacob grinned, "Okay. Now do your old man a favor and go get your blue jacket, just in case the weather changes on us." He watched as Ethan disappeared down the hall once more.

"You're a good father Jake."

He shook his head as he stood up straight, "Naw, that kid just makes me look good." He turned to face her. "Do you mind taking him over?"

At this point, he was asking out of sheer courtesy because the shameless grin on her face told him everything he needed to know.

Emily shook her head. "No, nope, not at all," she spoke eagerly before catching his look. "I'm sorry, I can't help it." She tried to rein in her enthusiasm, but Jacob didn't notice much of a difference. "I'm just glad that you're doing this Jake."

"Well, that makes one of us," he spoke dryly. "Where can I find her?"

"She's staying in a cottage just off Hoquiam Rd. on the other side of Forks."

"In the backwoods?" he frowned.

He'd gone hunting out there with Billy once or twice when he was a kid. It was completed isolated.

Emily nodded, "yeah, there's not really much out there so you can't miss it."

***

_Em wasn't kidding, _Jacob thought as he stood on the front porch of Bella's cottage.

He'd been standing in the same spot for a good minute or two and noted that aside from the abundance of greenery and wildlife, there wasn't much to look at. If anything, the exterior of the small cottage was what demanded all the attention.

It was really quite beautiful—influenced by Old Swedish design if Jacob wasn't mistaken (he'd dabbled a little in architectural engineering back in San Diego). The place looked peaceful, comfortable— a place he could clearly see Bella calling home.

She was inside of course. He knew that much.

Her scent was as strong as it'd been the night she'd snuck into his room. It didn't matter that this was her home; she was the source of it. Wherever the scent was heavily concentrated, it had to be her and right know it lingered densely in the air.

Deciding that he'd stalled enough, he raised his hand to knock… then immediately let it fall.

He'd come here for a reason and if he was going to keep his promise to Ethan, he might as well get it over with but at the same time, he didn't want to face her which was ironic considering that he remembered a time when seeing her brighten up his whole day. Sighing deeply, he raised his hand once again before finally knocking on the door. `

When she opened it, Jacob could tell that she wasn't surprised to see him. He knew the scent thing worked both ways, or maybe it was all the sighs and mutters he uttered outside her door. Either way, there she was dressed in blue jeans, a teal-green t-shirt and a welcoming grin on her pale lips.

It reminded him of the Cheshire cat grin that Emily couldn't wipe off her face when he agreed to come here. This made Jacob weary.

_Exactly how close are these two?_ He wondered.

"I honestly didn't think you'd do it," she said, leaning against the door frame.

Jacob swallowed hard. "Yeah, well I uh…" Instead of blatant animosity or some aloof remark, he settled on a little truth. "I want to know how to make this work Bella."

***

**Note1**: **(too long really to put at the beginning**) Can I just say that the response to the last chapter seriously knocked me off my feet. You guys shocked the hell out of me! I'm one of those writers (with fanfiction anyway) that really needs to hear the views of the readers. It feeds me and it gives me something to think about as the story progresses. I'm very much a thinker so when people give me feedback or criticism , I take it into consideration when I'm writing because maybe it's something that I haven't thought of before, but that might really need to be addressed so it really helps me. I noticed that people were addimg this story to their favorites but not really commenting and that was dampening my spirits on whether to continue updating this here because I assumed that no one really liked it, but I'm glad that I was wrong. Thank you all for your generous comments and I look forward to hearing your views in the future.

**Note2: (after you've finished reading) **Okay this can go down one or two ways. You either hated it (not enough Jacob/Bella) or you kinda liked it so I'm up for hearing both sides. Constructive criticism doesn't frighten me, as a matter of fact, it helps my thought process. There's always room for improvement, I think. The only thing I ask of you is to realize that Jacob's last words in this chapter serve a purpose. No more, no less. Please don't think that the angst is over and suddenly Jacob's all in love again. It'd really hurt my feelings if you thought it was gonna be that simple. I look forward to hearing your thoughts as always.

Also chapter 5 is gonna be a milestone chapter. It's gonna start with Bella and Jacob and it could very well end with Jacob still at Bella's (will he keep his promise to Ethan? Not even sure). Just know that I plan to get a lot stuff done with them. This includes: a more detailed account of Amelia's kidnapping from Bella, why Bella isn't with Edward anymore, how Lily and Jacob got together (Bella's interested to know this) and of course, what's the next step for them? So stay tuned : D!


	6. 05: Putting all the Cards on the Table

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter Five**: Putting all the Cards on the Table

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing. Also, the title is named after Evans Blue's song, _Cold (But I'm Still Here)_.

**Notes**: I give you 13 pages of Jacob and Bella interaction as promised. Read at your own risk. Excessive dialogue can be tricky and after writing two different drafts of this chapter, this is all I have to offer. I've been assured, however, by my beta reader that it's at least _semi-decent _so I'm posting it in hopes that you'll enjoy it. I'm so sorry for the wait. I went out of town for a little while where high speed internet service was a luxury I did not have.

*******

**Chapter Five: **

Putting all the Cards on the Table

Jacob allowed his eyes to roam curiously around the living room of Bella's home as he stepped inside. It wasn't extravagant by any means, but nice all the same—just as welcoming as the exterior suggested. The place had hardwood floors, a fireplace, a cream colored couch settled in the middle of the room that faced east, with the usual coffee table in the center and floor lamps placed in each corner. He could even see part of the country-style kitchen from where he stood near the door. It was downright modest for someone who'd been living the life of a Cullen for over eight years—all the bare necessities without the over indulgence?

_What would they think if they saw her now_? He wondered idly, before he focused his attention back onto her.

Bella brushed past him after closing the door. Her legs tucked underneath her as she took a seat on the couch, grabbing the worn, paperback book she'd obviously been reading before he came over. He watched as she dog-eared a page before placing it on the coffee table. Craning his neck slightly, he read the cover.

_Wuthering Heights?_ He'd never had the pleasure, but someone once told him that that Kathy was a real piece of work. He looked back up at her as her eyes slowly settled onto him.

"I gotta say, I didn't think I'd ever see _**you**_ here," she said.

"Neither did I, if you want to know the truth," he answered, shaking his head.

She frowned, "So what changed?"

"A persistent mother who honestly wouldn't take no for an answer," he replied, once again going with honesty.

"Aw," she slowly nodded her head. "Emily talked to you," she concluded, voice almost disapproving.

"Yeah, good ole Emily," he agreed with a tight smile that said everything. "But to be fair, it's not like she twisted my arm—_**much**_," he added. "She made me see some things that I didn't really want—let's just say; she made a convincing argument where you were concerned."

Bella smiled despite herself. "Well this ought to be good."

"Well you won't be hearing the details from me," Jacob quickly stated. "Just know that I'm here and it's not to fight with you this time."

"_Wow_…," she breathed, somewhat shocked. "That's um, that's a complete 180 compared to the other night," she acknowledged before realization seemed to dawn on her. She looked down. "Emily told you what happened, didn't she? She told you about Amelia and the vampire on the reservation?"

He shrugged casually from where he stood. "She gave me the abridged version, yeah. She said that some vampire got onto the reservation, grabbed Amelia and you tracked him down to save her."

"No, it wasn't quite as…_**heroic **_as she makes it sound," Bella argued, shaking her head. "Emily's—I didn't do anything but stall long enough for Sam and the others to get there, that's all."

"Sounds like you did plenty to me," he offered. "But since you seem to think differently, why don't you tell me what really went down?"

Bella's voice was tentative as she spoke, looking up at him. "Is that the _**only **_reason you're here? Just to find out what happened?"

"No," he admitted, "but at the moment I am a little curious. Like I said, I'd like to find a way for the both of us to coexist in this place without you having to sneak around or me biting your head off at every turn. I figured we can at least try to be civil to one another if we happen to be in the same room together."

Bella smiled.

"That is _**definitely**_ a 180 from the other night. I honestly thought you'd said everything that you had to say." Quickly, she scanned the room before looking back at him. He was still standing near the door. "Would you like to sit down?" she asked, patting the space beside her on the couch. "I'd say I don't bite, but... too soon?"

Jacob caught the joke, but he felt the immediate urge to decline.

He wasn't quite ready to be _**that**_ close to her just yet, but he also didn't have much of a choice in the matter. There wasn't another chair in the room and unless he was gonna stand the entire time (which would be ridiculous), he might as well take a seat. The couch was too small for his built frame, but he made do. And much to his relief, the wolf lay at rest.

She started to speak, and then paused.

"You're not gonna like how this starts," she warned him.

This made Jacob even more curious. "Well, I did ask, didn't I?"

Whatever it was that she told him, it would be his problem to worry about, not hers.

"I was at your house that afternoon, but I didn't go in or anything. I promise," she quickly added when Jacob narrowed his eyes at her. "It's just that sometimes—only because I knew you didn't live there any anymore—I like to check up on Billy just to make sure he's doing okay. I know that it might be hard for you to believe with him being human and me, a vampire, that I actually don't want to hurt him, but that's the truth," she said reminding him of the hurtful words he'd spoken to her just two weeks ago. "I was heading back to the border, just a few miles from Sam and Emily's place when I caught his scent in the breeze. At first, I really didn't pay much attention to it because if there was a vampire on Quileute land, besides me of course, I knew that Sam and rest of the pack would be on it."

"So what made you go after him then?"

"The fear," Bella breathed, falling back into the couch. "I'd never smelt anything like it Jake—this mind numbing, _**undiluted**_ fear. It will like getting a slap in the face and before I knew it, my legs were moving and I was running as fast as I possibly could, just trailing the scent until I found myself in the northern part of the woods near the park. When I got there, there was Amelia being held by her throat by some vampire with dark hair and red eyes. I honestly didn't even recognize her at first, because I'd only gotten glimpses of her when Leah would bring her and Danny over to Billy's house. But when I realized who she was, my heart literally sank in my chest. "

"You didn't know who he was?" Jacob asked. The fact that she was using Daniel and Amelia's nicknames was not lost on him either, but he wanted her to keep talking.

"Of course not!" she looked at him as if that much should have been obvious. "No, I'd never seen him before," she answered. "And before you say anything Jacob Black, you can think whatever you'd like to about Edward—I know how you feel about him—but he would never associate himself with a monster like that; someone who would harm a child just for the sick, twisted pleasure of it. I didn't know who he was."

"Fine, I didn't…," he held up in hands in a surrender fashion. "I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought that maybe—"

"That maybe all of us _**leeches**_ hang together," she finished, sourly. "Yeah, I know."

He scoffed. "Those are your words, not mine."

_People are doing an awful lot of that today_, he noticed.

The whole, putting words into his mouth thing and he was getting more than sick of it. He'd only asked because when he and the rest of the pack destroyed that bloodsucker…_**Laurent**_ in the clearing years ago to save her, she'd known him because he'd been an associate of the Cullens. It wasn't much of a stretch to ask if she'd known this one as well.

"When I came face to face with him, I was completely terrified," she openly admitted. "I didn't know what I was doing and I was afraid that if I did make the wrong move, he would end up killing Ami."

"So what did you do?"

"I uh, well I have um," Jacob watched as she slowly leaned forward, glancing sheepishly at him as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I held him off with… with my mind," she finally answered.

"Wait, so you have extra stuff?" he asked before he could catch himself. Bella let out a soft grin. "I'm sorry; I just meant that you have other powers, besides the regular super strength and speed?"

He remembered them talking about this once when she mentioned that Edward had the ability to read minds and the small, pixie-like bloodsucker in his family that could actually see the future.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I mean, I don't use it often, but I do try to practice as much as I can. Well, I use to. Not lately though, I haven't really since I uh, since I left," she rambled, wrangling her hands in her lap.

Jacob's frown deepened. _This is new_.

He didn't remember her getting this worked up when she was nervous in the past. The old Bella stammered a little sure, but nothing like this. This was different.

"What's the problem?"

"What are you talking about?" she asked as if clueless.

Jacob rolled his eyes slightly as he sighed, "Why are you so nervous all of a sudden?"

She grimaced, shaking her head. "It's not that I'm nervous. I just, I don't," she closed her eyes, sighing briefly before she spoke. "I don't want to give you any more reasons to believe that this can't work," she explained, looking down at herself.

"I know that me being like this freaks you out, so when you add having powers on top of everything else, it doesn't really help my case does it?"

He shook his head. "Not really, no," he answered truthfully.

It did not make him feel better to know that in addition to everything she could do now that she was a vampire, she actually had other abilities that enabled her to overpower him or other members of the pack if she had the mind to do so.

"How does it work exactly?"

"I don't really know," Bella admitted. She turned to face him. "I mean, I've always been able to block my thoughts from supernatural beings—I did it with Edward and members of Volturi—so we, or more like Carlisle, thought that when I became a vampire, that innate ability sort of manifested itself. I can now seal things in or block things out around me using some form of telepathic energy."

"Well, a power like that sounds like it would really come in handy in a fight." Jacob acknowledged.

Bella snorted, "Yeah well, like I said, it didn't help that I was it bit rusty. I wasn't really prepared when he came charging at me, but I was more than happy to get him away from Amelia. I knew if we got into an actual fight, Sam and the others would hear it so all I had to do was hold him off long enough for them to get there. But as you probably guessed, I'm not that much of a fighter," she said quite shamefully.

Jacob smirked despite himself. "You could have fooled me."

He remembered how bold she was the other night when he threatened to physically remove her from the reservation if she didn't leave on her own.

"I just bluff better these days," she smiled, leaning back into the couch. Her posture was relaxed and casual. "I was actually holding my own pretty well until he grabbed me by the hair and started tossing me through the trees like an old rag doll," she recalled with a sigh. "He was so much stronger than I was Jake. When the others got there, I could barely stand. As long as I've been a vampire, I've never felt pain like that before. The only thing that could possibly rival it was when I was turned. The pain was _**excruciating**_."

"I'll bet," Jake said. "What happened when Sam got there?"

"He made a b-line for Amelia and got her out of there as quickly as he could. Jared, Paul, Embry, and Seth all stayed behind to deal with vampire. I was a little worse for wear by the time they got there but between the five of us, we were able to take him apart. When Sam made it back, we'd already burned the body. The cinders were floating in the air," she explained. "Afterward I uh, I needed to feed, so I left them to hunt."

Jacob noticed that she didn't look at him as she recounted that part of the story.

"When I was done, I took a chance and went back on the reservation to see for myself that Amelia was alright. I didn't really know how Emily would take me showing up on her doorstep," she shrugged. "For all I knew, she saw me as just another one of the monsters who'd just kidnapped her daughter. Imagine how nervous I was when I knocked on the door."

Jacob watched as she let out a soft laugh, the memory obviously replayed itself in her head.

"She took one look at me Jake and the next thing I knew her arms were wrapped around me. She was crying her eyes out and thanking me for saving her little girl and I just remember thinking that for the first time, in a really long time, I felt _**alive**_." Bella looked up at Jacob with what he could only describe as wonder in her eyes. "I was actually happy to be what I was because I'd helped someone. I'd made a difference."

Jacob leaned forward, a hand resting underneath his chin as he face grew pensive. "I can't believe that they didn't tell me any of this," he said.

Sure it was over now, but if he would have known any of this, he would never have given Sam the riot act about trusting her. Even if he himself still couldn't do it. As a parent, he really did understand where they were coming from.

"And that's all that happened?" he pressed, looking back at her.

Bella leaned in a little closer. "Well, after we killed him what else is there?" she wondered, brows furrowed.

"Nothing, if he was alone," Jake mused. "But where there's one, there could be others."

Bella quickly caught on.

"You're right. He could've been a part of a coven. There could be others out there, but it's been six months and nothing's happened," she explained. "I mean, no real attacks from any vampires claiming to seek revenge or anything like that."

Jacob just nodded. It was a long shot, but he just wanted to be sure. Things like this had a habit of happening in the past, especially when Bella was involved so if there was trouble ahead, he wanted to know about it.

"Sam doesn't like to talk about it, but after it happened, Emily made it clear that I was welcomed there anytime and because I'm seriously lacking in company these days—I mean, I can't even see Charlie and I don't really want to run into anyone else that I knew in the past—I sort of took her up on the offer. It's been this way ever since."

"And I don't really get that—the Charlie part, I mean," Jacob leaned back in his seat. "You've been a vampire for eight years now. You don't seem to have a problem going around Emily and the others. Why can't you see Charlie? Didn't you say that it was possible for you to be around humans even though you're …like this," he gestured to the pale (or paler than usual) skin and ocher-colored eyes.

Bella shook her head. "I know Charlie's not the most observant person on the planet Jake, but I can't take the chance that he finds out I'm different now. I just think it's better to stay away. With Billy, Sam, and Emily, they already know about all of this; they're apart of this world, so they understand. I honestly couldn't take it if Charlie saw me and he…," she trailed off, looking away.

"If he what?" Jake urged. "What were you gonna say?"

She let out a heavy sigh. "I couldn't take it if he saw me and looked at me the way that you've been looking at me since you got here."

"And how is that exactly?" he wondered, confused.

Sure he'd been less than thrilled about being here, considering how he felt, but so far he thought he'd been behaving himself rather well. He hadn't snapped at her or made any nasty remarks so he was clueless as to what she was talking about.

"Jake, you look at me like you don't even know me," Bella said, her voice small. "Like you've never known me, like I'm this strange thing that you have to watch out for or keep an eye on."

Jacob looked away, running a hand through his hair. He honestly didn't know what to say to that because in a way, it was how he saw her. She made him uneasy, even if it wasn't intentional. Everything about her, from the way she smelt, to the way she looked, told him that she _**was**_ a stranger to him and therefore, not to be trusted.

"You can't even deny it, can you?" she asked.

He said nothing.

It wasn't that he was looking for differences. She just didn't see what he saw when he looked at her. She was convinced that even though she was a vampire now, she was still the same person, and after hearing of how she put herself on the line to save Amelia, it very well could be true, but all Jacob could see was her outward appearance and every movement that was too swift, too fluid; even those that were meant to be subtle. At this point, he was even astonished that he was able to keep his human form this long in her presence without getting the shakes. The smell wasn't helping, but at least it was tolerable. He figured it had to do with the fact that he'd been exposed to it so often now.

"Where does Charlie think you are now?" he asked instead.

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "In South America," she answered in a matter of fact tone. "That's where Edward told him we'd be moving after the wedding and it was where we lived these past eight years."

She shot a glance his way as he nodded.

"Look Jacob, I don't blame you for hating me—"

He felt the need to stop her right there.

"I don't hate you Bella," he said with exasperation. "At one time, I wanted to. I thought it would be easier to forget you if I did, but I couldn't, and I still can't."

"Well then, does this mean that I _**can**_ step foot back in La Push?" she tentatively asked, voice hopeful.

Jacob shrugged, "I already told you the other night that I couldn't stop you. I'm not the pack leader so it's not my call. If Sam and Emily say you're welcomed there, I don't have a say in it."

Bella caught the tone of his voice, "but you still don't want me anywhere near you or your family?" she concluded.

"No," he answered without hesitation. "I already told you that was non- negotiable and it does still stand," he reminded her. "I can't have you near my son Bella. I just can't do that."

Bella stood abruptly, walking across the room.

It took her a minute before she whipped around to face him.

"Then why are you here Jacob?" she demanded, arms flinging every which way. "I already knew this; you didn't have to come all the way over here just to tell me it again. Why strain yourself? I got the message loud and clear the first time. Believe me." She ran a hand through her tousled, brown locks as her face grew thoughtful. "Or maybe, did you just want to see the look on my face, yet again, when you told me to get lost."

Jacob quickly rose to his feet. "That is not what this is and you know it," he declared. "I'm not giving you the brush off here, I'm just—"

"It sure feels like that to me!" she challenged. He watched as she wrapped her arms around her middle and despite himself, he couldn't fight off the twinge of guilt he felt. She never had to use that stance with him before. "I mean, what was all that stuff about trying to make this work? About you and me trying to get back to where we can at least be civil to one another?"

"We _**are**_ being civil to one another," he argued, jaw set. "Don't mistake this for something that it wasn't Bella. I didn't come here to try to recapture what we once had in the past. If that's what you expected when I showed up on your doorstep, then I really am sorry that I got your hopes up."

Bella scoffed as she stared up at him incredulously. "Maybe I don't want civility," she argued. "Maybe I don't want _polite_ Jacob, _nice_ Jacob, _**fake**_ Jacob," she stressed, trailing him from head to toe in such distaste that Jacob quickly concluded that after the neck roll, he didn't care to much for that look either. "Just talk to me! You've never had a problem telling how you really felt, even when I didn't want to hear it. Just tell me what you need from me to make this work."

Jacob stared at her as if she were crazy. When he was nasty to her, she couldn't take. When he was being nice, apparently he was being _"fake"_. Jacob was seriously starting to believe that no matter the species, he just would never truly understand women.

"What if I said that I wanted your absence?" he tested, eyed her curiously. "I mean, if I told you that I needed some time and I wanted you gone?"

"Well then if that's how you really feel then maybe _**you**_ should just leave," she gestured to the door.

"Maybe I should," he agreed. "I don't even know why I thought this was a good idea. I thought that it would be an opportunity for us to clear the air, but obviously I was wrong." Jacob knew he should have just taken his out and run, just walked away, but instead he asked, "Is that really what you want?"

"No," she answered immediately. "No, I don't."

The young father was more confused than ever.

"Then what_** do**_ you want?" he exclaimed, feed up. "Because I am standing here when every instinct I have is telling me to run the other way. What do you want from me Bella—really?"

"I just want you to let me in," she breathed, a hand resting over her heart. "I just want you to say that it's okay for me to be like this and that I'll still be your _Bells_, no matter what."

"Really?" she took a step closer. "I just want you to let me in, Jake."

"Why?" he shook his head because he honestly didn't understand. "Why does it matter now when it didn't matter before?" he pressed. "You were determined to be this way the last time I saw you Bella so why now? Why does it matter _**now**_ if I accept you or not?"

"Because you make this _**okay**_," she looked down at herself hopelessly before looking back up at him. "If I have you in my corner, being this way becomes bearable."

Jacob had to do a double take. He couldn't believe his ears. "Well then that's just sad, because in the end it means that you gave it all up for nothing, Bella!" He ran a both his hands over his face in frustration. "Damnit, you can't put this on me; it's too big! I can't fix this with warm sodas and idle chit chat in a makeshift garage. I can't make this better for you. I can't make it okay."

"Okay, fine," she nodded eagerly, understanding. "I'm not asking you to forget and forgive Jacob, I'm just asking you to try to be here with me!" she practically begged.

He was towering over her within two steps.

"Try?" The word felt heavy on his tongue. "What the hell do you think I'm doing here Bella? Do you think this is easy for me—being here with you after everything that's happened—seeing you like this?" he nearly spat. "But I _**am**_ here and I_** am**_ trying to make the best out of this situation and that is saying a hell of a lot."

"So this is hard for you, I get it," she looked up at him desperately, her eyes brimmed red. "But do I disgust you so much that you can't stand to be here with me now?"

"This is absolute _**torture**_ for me—being here with you right now," he clarified before he saw her head drop down; heartbroken. "You know, you never put much stock into Bella Swan, but she use to be everything to me. And to have you come back here and basically tell me that you made a mistake—I think I do hate you just a little because the girl I loved could have flourished. She could have been beautiful."

"But I'm standing right here Jacob." Bella's voice came out strangled and pleading. "Different, yes, but the girl that you knew is still here and I'm just begging you to notice."

He was starting to notice something.

As Jacob stood there, he realized that Emily's picture of Bella was becoming much clearer to him. He couldn't even explain it but looking at her now, _**really**_ looking at her, he realized that everything from her eyes to the way she held herself upright seemed to reach out to him. To test his theory, Jacob let his hand fall. He cautiously stepped back just a little to the left and watched in both awe and confusion as she moved closer just to accommodate the small bit of space that he'd put between them. But what did it really mean? Did she honestly need him as much as Emily had suggested or was she simply lonely and in desperate need of warmth that she'd made the conscious choice to give up?

"Bella what happened between you and Cullen?"

Her eyes widened. "Really?" she asked, incredulously. "Really Jake? Right now?" He watched as she slowly backed up against the wall, sliding down and landing in a heap on the floor. She dropped her face into her hands, shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

The new Bella couldn't shed tears.

Jacob pitied the new Bella even more.

The question came completely out of left field, but it'd been on his mind for a while now. The way Jacob figured it, he wasn't the real reason that Bella was here. Something had to have gone wrong with Edward and now she was here because she simply needed him to pick up the pieces like he'd done the last time.

"I mean, obviously nothing that I said to you before changed your mind. You still got married and you were turned," he acknowledged. "Why are you here when he's not? This was supposed to be forever for the two of you but here you are alone, and he's nowhere to be found. What the hell happened?" he asked.

Bella took in a deep breath, shaking her head. "Nothing happened, Jacob," her voice was somber. "Nothing went wrong between us if that's what you think."

"Obviously something didn't go right either," Jacob claimed. "What happened?"

She rested her head back against the wall, face suddenly whimsical, thoughtful. "You know how when you first fall in love Jake? You just have all these grand plans for the future? I mean, it doesn't even matter what the world decides to throw at you because you're in it together and if you're together, then nothing else can touch you. Nothing else really matters because you love them."

"Yeah," he whispered. His voice sounded so far away when it reached his ears. Jacob did, in fact, know a love like that.

He never thought he would but when he realized he'd fallen in love with Lily, he felt like he could finally breathe for the first time in what felt like forever. And then when she had Ethan, he knew for certain that life had worked out exactly as it was suppose to. He never expected that losing her in a car accident would be something that the world decided to throw their way.

"In the end though, I didn't leave because I fell out of love with him, or the fact that not a day went by when I didn't think about you," she explained.

"Then what was it?" he shrugged.

"Life happened." She laughed a little to herself. "It sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud because really, what kind of life was I _"living"_?"

Jacob didn't think she really wanted him to answer that. She didn't eat, vampires don't even sleep and from what Emily told him, the only people she had left were _**his**_ family and friends in La Push so really, what she was doing could not be called living.

She merely existed.

"It took me seven years, but I finally got it. I finally understood what I'd given up and now I find myself wanting things that I can't have," she admitted, voice filled with longing and regret. "Things that I didn't even know I really wanted until now—things that Edward couldn't give to me no matter how much he wanted to."

"Like what?" he asked, but she didn't answer.

"As the days passed—months, then years—nothing changed. I thought I could shake the longing in my heart—this _**void**_ that I was feeling, but the hole just kept getting wider and wider. I started pulling away little by little and I knew he could see a change in me, but he never said anything."

Her eyes were trained on the window, staring off at nothing in particular. The expression on her face told Jacob that she was simply remembering times that had long since passed.

"When I decided that I needed to leave, that it was the right thing to do, he told me that he would always love me and all he ever wanted was for me to be happy even if it wasn't with him. For the next few months, I traveled throughout South America—Venezuela, Paraguay—just keeping my head down until I find myself back in the States," she sighed. "Back in Forks where it all started."

Jacob found himself staring at her for what felt like the longest time, his face thoughtful.

"You know, it's funny."

She looked over at him. "What is?"

Jacob shrugged nonchalantly. "I was just thinking that once upon a time, love wasn't enough for us either. I never thought Cullen and I would be in the same predicament one day." He revealed before glancing back at the front door. He sighed, "I gotta get out of here. I made a promise to someone and I plan on keeping it."

Slowly, Bella rose from the floor, wiping nonexistent tears from her eyes. "Why does this have to be so hard Jake? Why can't you just look at me and know that I would never hurt you?"

He went for honesty once again.

"Because you have Bella." He could feel his chest tighten as he spoke the words. "I don't like saying that to you because I know how much it hurts you to hear, but it was hard for me to trust after you. It was hard for me to give my heart to someone else and even when I did; I ended up losing her too." He turned to leave but paused suddenly. "But there is something I want you to know though."

She listened.

"I don't blame you for how everything turned out because in the end, it was all on me."

"How can you even say that with a straight face?" she wondered in disbelief. "After everything that's happened, everything that I've put you through?"

He'd actually given it a lot of thought in the past.

"Bella when I told you how I felt about you for the first time, you made it very clear how much of yourself you were capable of sharing with me—you were honest Bella. I was the one that said I could take it. That I would be okay with whatever you could give me because I was young and I was in love with you."

"Then I'm an idiot," she shook her head in shame, "because you have no idea what you were to me." She was standing in front of him now.

"I wasn't enough," Jacob smiled sadly. "Can't fight an eclipse, remember?"

"That's not true." Without warning, she grabbed a hold of his hand, cradling it in her own. "You were my light Jacob Black. After months of darkness, you were my light. My safe harbor. At one point, there was nothing more important in my life than being with you."

"You shouldn't do that," he said softly, eyes no longer on her face but on their joined hands. She was so cold. He watched, a bit frightful (not of her but of him) as she brought his hand up to the side of her cheek nestling gently. It was as if she was feeding off his warmth, trying to remember what it felt like when her body gave off heat of its own.

"It's the truth," she looked into his eyes. "I never meant to hurt you Jacob. I promise that I never wanted to hurt you. There was a time when I believed that you and I were connected. Your pain was my pain and I wanted to protect you. Not just from others, but also from me and the pain I knew I would bring you."

This was why he didn't want to come here.

It was why he'd fought Emily so hard because in the end, it always seemed to come back to this no matter how much he wanted to avoid it.

"I can't do this with you." Using more force than he intended, he pulled his hand out of her grip before he backed up in a bit of a rush, eager, almost desperate to put some distance between them.

He walked to the door; hand on the brass knob when she spoke.

"I came to see you the day before the wedding."

Jacob froze.

It was the day he'd left La Push.

"You walked out of my life once, Jake," Bella said. "Please don't leave me again."

***

**Note2**: Yes, I know that there is one topic not included in this chapter that I originally promised, but I decided that it lent itself better to the next one and since livejournal hates long posts (in the end I couldn't even post it there because is too long), I decided that this was a decent place to break.


	7. 06: Confessions of the Past

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter Six**: Confessions of the Past

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing. Also, the title is named after Evans Blue's song, _Cold (But I'm Still Here)_.

**Notes**: It's been a while, I know, but hopefully you're still interested. Every time I finish one of these chapters, I feel this need to go on a graphic arts binge which seems to last longer and longer each time. I hope you can forgive me for my tardiness.

*******

**Chapter Six: **

Confessions of the Past

Jacob dropped his hand from the knob as he turned to face her.

"What are you talking about now?"

"I knew Billy wouldn't tell you," she said slightly annoyed. "He did the right thing, not telling you. But still…you should know that I _**did**_go by your house the night that you took off."

"And?" he urged, seemingly unfazed. "Is this the part where I act all surprised and ask, why Bella? What did it all mean? Did you change your mind?"

He was mocking her now and he knew that she caught the sarcastic edge in his tone.

"No, you're right," she accepted the ridicule. "You're absolutely right. It didn't change anything, obviously. When I came to see you, I didn't have any plans to…," she sighed. "I didn't know what I was gonna say or do Jake."

"So why tell me about it?" he wondered.

"I just wanted you to know," she shrugged before her face grew thoughtful. "You said; '_when my heart stopped beating_' remember? That night, I just thought I still had a little more time left."

That was all he needed to hear after all the other admissions they'd shared with each other this afternoon. It wasn't much of stretch to say that right now, he felt emotionally spent.

"_God_," he groaned miserably as he ran his hands through his hair. "We're just kidding ourselves." With heavy feet, he dragged himself back over to the couch. Bella followed suit, just as defeated.

_How can this work?_ He asked himself. Even if he decided to just put aside all the baggage that existed within their relationship, to only focus on the now, on today, he still wondered how this could _**not**_ end badly.

"We don't do _complicated_ well Bella," Jacob said, looking over at her. "I mean we had the life and death stuff down pat, the normal human to human stuff was the best," he admitted, "but for a little while, even the human to werewolf thing nearly broke us."

Bella shook her head.

"That last part was only because _**you**_ felt the need to push _**me**_ away," she reminded him. "You were the one who thought that I couldn't handle knowing the truth about you."

"Okay fine," he'd give her that. "But you know that whenever the issue of vampire vs. werewolf gets thrown into the mix, it never ends well."

"Jake, you make it sound like we're in battle against each other," she argued. "I guess that's just how we differ because I don't see you as an enemy or someone that I should be afraid of."

"Maybe you should."

Her brow rose. "What are _**you**_ talking about now?"

Jacob elaborated.

"Well, you're assuming that the only reason I've been pushing you away is because I don't want to get hurt again, and I'm not gonna lie, that does have a lot to do with it, but has it ever crossed your mind that maybe starting a friendship with me again wouldn't be in _**your**_ best interest as well?"

"Jacob, are you trying to sell me on the idea of you and me as enemies?" she asked with furrowed brows.

That's not exactly what he meant. "It wouldn't be that much of a stretch though," he argued. "I'm a werewolf and you're a vampire. We're natural enemies."

"Oh right, says Quileute history." He caught the sarcasm in her voice.

"Well, I am what I am, because your kind exists so…," he shrugged, "what would be the point of this?"

She sighed before twisting around in her seat to face him dead on.

"Jacob, like I said; this is how we're different. I can look at you and say with certainty that I have no problem being this close to you, smell be damned. I have no problem talking to you or uh, or touching you. I wish I could do—but you don't like it, so I don't."

The young wolf frowned, confused. _What exactly____did she __**want**__ to do? _

"I know you want this as much as I do," she claimed, tucking her legs underneath her. She leaned over, her head resting against the back of the couch. "You want this friendship to work."

That was a big leap. "How'd you come to that conclusion?"

Bella actually smiled.

"Well, like you said: you're here and you're trying, right?" Her voice was light and playful. "Besides, I actually had a lot of time to think about all the things that you said to me the other night and you know what I noticed?" She didn't actually wait for him to answer. "You were _**furious **_with me."

"You caught that huh?" He was angry with her so what?

"I mean you really tore into me!" she exclaimed as if it were a good thing.

"Okay…?" Jacob waited for her to make some actual sense.

"I figured that if you could be that upset with me after all these years, then maybe on some level, you still cared," Bella explained. "And that gave me hope that there was still a chance."

_That was the theory?_ Jacob sneered. "Or you know _**maybe**_," he stressed, " I was honestly just pissed that you decided to break into my house and expose yourself to my four year- old son," he countered.

"It's not like he actually saw me."

"That's not the point," he argued. "I don't know what kind of vampire etiquette your husband taught you, but sneaking in through people's window just to watch them sleep is not sweet or endearing. It's just damn creepy."

"Says the person who's crawled through my window before," she grumbled.

"Keyword: once." He held up an index finger. "Once and only once. And I only did it because I was trying to get you to figure out the secret, if you can remember that far back."

Bella let out a soft laugh.

"Oh, I remember," she assured him. "I spent a good chuck of that night crying my eyes out over you."

It took Jacob a minute to figure out what she meant. "Oh yeah, the day we '_broke up'_ with each other." It was actually pretty funny considering that they were never really together.

"Actually, you broke up with me," she said.

He did remember that—leaving her out in the rain after telling her they couldn't see each other anymore. He hated hurting her like that, but when he'd changed, Sam had made it clear that it would be better, or more importantly, safer for her if she wasn't anywhere near him. At the time, he agreed.

"Man, you were so stubborn back then," he recalled before he scoffed. "I'll admit that that's one thing that hasn't changed much about you."

"You love it," she teased.

He laughed despite himself, "Oh, keep telling yourself that honey."

The word had just slipped out and though Jacob tried to recover, Bella caught it all the same. He looked away when her knowing smile became too much.

So far, he'd been careful not to let any of those old terms of endearment pass his lips. _Bells_, _Honey_—they'd nearly slipped out on more than one occasion, but he'd reined them back in.

Now as they sat together, just talking about the past, teasing each other even, it was too damn familiar and he slipped.

It just slipped.

"This is why this will work with us," Jacob heard her speak. Her voice was serious and self-assured. "I think the fact that we can sit here and talk about the old days and sort of laugh at it all, says a lot about us Jake."

The wolf shrugged, "It says that we have history Bella. There's no changing that, but it doesn't mean that this is a good idea." That much was true. They had history and not all of it _**good**_. Just because they could sit here and reminisce about the past didn't mean that they would fit well together now.

"Jacob, do you mind if I ask you something?"

The change in her tone, from assured to somewhat nervous, definitely peaked his interest.

"I guess it depends on the actual question," he replied.

"Okay," she nodded as sat up straight on the couch. He watched with curiosity as she tried to find the right words. After a few dragging seconds, she tentatively asked, "How did you meet your wife?"

He didn't see that coming.

"Why do you want to know about my wife?"

"I'm sorry," she quickly apologized, noting the discomfort that Jacob knew flashed across his face. "I know it's personal and none of my business," she held up in her hands, shaking her head as she looked away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

It took him a minute to recover.

"No. It's not—it's not that." He wringed his hands together as his face grew pensive. "It's just that you're uh, you're the first person to actually ask me about her since I got back here," he admitted.

Bella frowned, "That can't be right."

Actually it was.

No one had asked him to tell them stories about his wife. They all offered their condolences and their sympathies of course, but no one really asked to know anything about the woman that he'd loved and lost.

He grimaced as he tried to explain. "It's not their fault really. For a while there, I couldn't even say her name without losing it," he sighed. "Dad and the rest of the guys, they just knew that I wasn't ready to talk about it all just yet."

"And do you still feel that way now?" Bella asked.

He eyed her. "Why do you care?"

"How could I not?" she replied. "She was such an important part of your life. You loved her. I see how your face lights up whenever you talk about it or you talk about her. I mean, just look at your son. He's a testament to that," she smiled. "I just wanna know her the way you did Jake."

He let out a dry, uneasy chuckle. "That's a pretty tall order there Bella." He wasn't quite sure if he wanted to share that part of his life with her.

"If you still don't feel comfortable then just forget I mentioned it."

"No, it's fine," he decided.

Bella had been honest with him when he asked about Cullen; the least he could do was be honest with her now. "What exactly do you wanna know?"

He watched as her face lit up, excited. She returned to her previous position, curling up comfortably before she asked, "When you met her, did you know that you'd fall in love with her?"

Now that did make Jacob laugh.

"Not even close," he exclaimed wrapped up in the memory. He fell back into the couch, relaxed. "I remember walking into this bar and grill on Washington St. looking for a job. I'd been living in San Diego for about two months and I hadn't found anything permanent yet. I couldn't work in a repair shop fixing cars because I didn't actually have a license, so basically I was stuck doing all these odd jobs just to eat and keep my crummy, one bedroom apartment."

"That sounds, uh…," Bella searched for the right word, "_**adventurous**_."

"It had its moments, believe me," Jacob admitted. "Anyway I see this sign in the window that says: cook needed and I—"

"Jacob Black!" Bella swatted him on shoulder and although it was playful, with her vampire strength, it kind of hurt. She noticed when he immediately went to rub his arm. "Sorry," she winced. "But what do you know about cooking? Last time I saw you, you couldn't even make toast without calling it Cajun."

"Absolutely nothing, _**at the time**_," he grinned, letting his hand fall. "And Jack, the manager, knew it but he was a pretty cool guy. He could see that I was in a bind so he hired me on a probationary period."

"Which meant?" she asked.

"That I at least needed to be able to cook a burger that didn't bleed when it was sent out to a customer," he clarified. "He told me to come back tomorrow and someone would be there to help me out," he explained. "So, I'm done there. I'm headed out the door when this tiny waitress bumps into me and her first words are, '_Hey Big Foot, some of us are actually trying to work here!_'"

"Well Jake you do kinda take up a lot of space," Bella laughed. "_**That **_was your first encounter with your wife?"

"That was her alright," Jacob nodded as he smiled "My little peach."

"Peach?" she questioned.

"Well, you can only imagine who had the _**honor**_ of showing me around in the kitchen the next day."

"No!" Bella exclaimed, putting a hand over her mouth. "Really?"

"Yes!" Jacob grinned. "And she was _**pissed**_ at me because it was actually her day off, but she needed the extra cash so..." He ran a hand through his hair as he started to settled down. "It was a rough start, but once we got to know each other, it was easy to tell that she was just tough on the outside and soft in the middle."

"Your peach," she concluded in understanding.

"She was a big talker and she made it easy to be around her because unlike everyone who was always trying to uncover your darkest secrets, she was too busy telling all of hers. She reminded me a lot of the person that I use to be before all the werewolf nonsense—just open and unguarded."

"Well then I can understand how you fell in love with her," Bella quietly admitted.

Jacob twisted in his seat to face her. His face was thoughtful

"With me and her Bella, it wasn't this whole love at first sight thing. When I met her, I thought she was interesting—she had the most beautiful crystal blue eyes I'd ever seen—but I didn't think any of that, _'this is the one for me'_," he said. "Falling in love was the furthest thing from my mind. I mean, it hurt like hell the first time around, I wasn't gonna do that to myself again. So, for about a year, Lily was just a friend. She was a very good friend, and I felt like that was what I needed that more than anything else. I guess in a way, our beginning was similar to my relationship with you."

It felt strange to be sharing all of this with Bella of all people, but in a way, it also felt right to Jacob. Being able to confide in her, as much as he hated to admit it, it felt nice.

He'd missed it.

"So, when did you know?" Bella asked, leaning in just a bit closer. At this point, she seemed very much engaged in the story. "When did you know that you loved her?"

Jacob didn't even have to think about it.

"I realized that I was in love with her when I realized that I liked the person I was when I was with her," he answered. "When I felt guilty that she was giving so much of herself to me and I was keeping such a huge secret from her."

"That had to be scary," the vampire sympathized. "Having the courage to reveal yourself to her like that?"

"I was more terrified at the fact that I'd fallen for her," he grimaced, "but uh, yeah. Letting her in on my secret came in a close second."

"How'd she take it?"

"Well, as you can guess from the fact that we got married and had Ethan, it didn't break us. She knew I was hiding something, she just didn't know it was _**quite**_ that big. I never talked about my family or La Push or anything from my past really," he explained, shaking his head. "I actually thought I'd lost her for a little while there but, we were able to get through it. And once everything was out in the open, we just moved forward."

There wasn't much more Jacob could really say on the subject because they both knew how that story ended. With him no longer talking, he allowed the uncomfortable silence to take over the room.

"I'm glad you shared this with me Jake," she finally spoke. "Everything makes more sense to me now."

He frowned. "What does?"

"Why you're so…guarded," Bella answered, shaking her head. "You loved her so much and to have that taken away from you so suddenly—I don't know what to say Jake. What does anyone say to something like this without it sounding all wrong?"

Jacob didn't expect her to make any grand declarations around it. It was unnecessary and unwanted.

"I don't know Bella. I mean, what is there to say?" he asked. "You wanted to know how we met, and I told you. That's it."

"I'm just saying that it's easier to understand why you don't want to get close to anyone again," she said. "Why you feel the need to push certain people away."

There was a hint in there somewhere and though Jacob caught it, he wanted to be absolutely clear.

"It sounds like you're trying to tell me that my reluctance to trust you has less to do with my issues with you, and more to do with the anger I feel about my wife's passing. Is that it?" he asked, "because just a few minutes ago you swore that I was pushing you away because I still cared about you so which one is it?"

Bella held up a hand to stop him in his tracks.

"Jacob, please don't be like that. I'm not trying to weasel out of any of the mistakes that I've made when it comes to our friendship," she stated. "I know that your hostility towards me is completely deserved. I just think that with me being back, fighting our friendship might have been a way for you to let out some of your frustration after everything that's happened to you."

Jacob rolled his eyes as he stood.

"Yeah, because it couldn't _**possibly**_ have anything to do with the fact that you broke my heart," he quipped before his face grew serious. "You really think it was easy for me? To treat you the way that I've been doing?"

"I think you needed a place to direct your anger and pain and I was a good candidate," she replied and as far as Jacob could tell, it was how she truly felt.

"Then I don't think you know me as well as you seem to think you do." He shook his head, disappointed. "My issues with you Bella, are my issues with _**you**_. I don't need to bring any unresolved feelings about my wife into this or I wouldn't even be here because too much, is just too much."

"You don't understand Jake," she rose to her feet. "I don't think you're trying to be malicious, but I do think that you need someone to be upset at right now," she explained. "Emily told me _**how**_ your wife was killed and…it was just random. A random accident that changed your life forever. How do you make peace with something like that?" She could barely wrap her head around it. "What do you do when the person that made your world whole suddenly isn't there anymore? When it wasn't even their choice to leave you in the first place?"

He grew still as she stood in front of him, so closely. Too close.

"May I?" she asked and Jacob frowned, unsure of what exactly she was asking of him. Bella smiled and then he felt the cool tips of her fingers graze the bare skin of his neck as she grabbed a hold of the thin, string-like cord that hung around it.

Jacob let out a heavy, defeated sigh.

No one ever noticed it because he always tucked it underneath his shirt. If he wasn't wearing a shirt, he wrapped it around his ankle. He used to wear it all the time, but due to his phasing problem, he was also worried that it would pop during an episode and he'd lose it. It was too precious to chance.

"I don't think you noticed, but you've been fiddling with this since you started talking about her."

In Bella's hand was Jacob's gold wedding band.

"Maybe I am wrong—about _**everything**_," she admitted, staring up at him. "But I do know you Jake. You don't like it, I know that. But you can't deny it either. So I'll take it all," she promised.

"Take all of _**what**_ exactly?"

She held her head up a little higher.

"I'll take the looks," she declared. " I'll take your recoiling from my touch, defying me from being around your friends and your family, I'll take it all," she swore. "It hurts. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts like hell, but if it's what you need from me, then I won't fight you on it."

"Why?" he breathed. It was a question he found himself asking a lot around her. "Why does it matter?"

Her response reminded him of how he'd answered her question earlier about his wife—when she asked when he knew that he'd fallen in love with her.

"Because you're worth it." The words just flowed out of her mouth with no hesitation whatsoever. "Since I've been turned, I've never wanted anything so badly, so if I have to be patient and endure, then that's what I'll do," she looked longingly in his eyes. "For _**you**_ Jake, that's what I'll do."

Jacob didn't move and for a minute, he found himself unable to look away from her. It was wrong, what he was feeling, stupid even, but it didn't stop his heart from racing in his chest.

He'd asked the question, sure, but he never expected her to say something like that.

_What the hell do you say to something like that?_ He asked himself, but he didn't have long to ponder because when he felt her other hand trail up his side, it was enough to break him out of her spell. The opening was small, but he grabbed like a lifejacket while stuck at sea.

"I uh," he looked back at the front door. "I should get out of here." His voice was rushed as he took a few hurried steps back. "You know, for real this time. I promised Ethan that I would go to Sam and Emily's BBQ thing that they're throwing this afternoon. I didn't plan on staying here this long so he's probably wondering where I am."

She was disappointed, Jacob saw it, but she quickly recovered.

"I understand." She offered a smile as she nodded in agreement. "I don't want to be the reason you break a promise to your son."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want that."

He turned to leave.

"Hey Jake?"

"Yeah?" he looked back at her. She folded her arms in front of her in an effort to look casual, he guessed. "Any, any idea when I'll see you again?" Her voice was hopeful.

"Well," he ran a nervous hand through his hair. "You could always do that breaking and entering thing that you seem to enjoy so much," he teased. It was a lame attempt, but the tension in the room was too thick. He just wanted out.

She smiled though her head dropped a little, ashamed. "You don't like that, remember?"

"Yeah I remember. I'm just checking to see if you do too," he said before he sighed. "I honestly don't know Bella, but uh, La Push is a pretty small place right? I'm sure we'll see each other around," he offered.

It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't definite no either.

It was the best he could do.

"Bye Bella."

She let out a deep breath. "Bye Jake."

As Jacob climbed into his car, he let out a breath that he wasn't even aware he was holding. _Shit!_ He silently swore as he rested his head against the steering wheel, trying to collect his bearings.

When he came to see her, it was to draw the lines—to leave no confusion about where they stood with each other but now as he sat and thought about it, the boundaries between them seemed to be more blurred than ever.

He dug his keys out of his pocket and started the engine.

It was horrible to think, but he needed to see his son to stay grounded. He actually needed to remind himself why it was so important to keep Bella at arm's length.


	8. 07: An Unlikely Alliance

**Title**: Cold (but I'm still here)

**Chapter Seven**: An Unlikely Alliance

**Rating**: Mature/for later chapters

**Characters**: Jacob/Vamp!Bella, OCs

**Timeline**: Takes place right after the events of _Eclipse_.

**Summary**: After the tragic death of his wife leaves Jacob completely devastated, he is forced to return to La Push after being gone for over eight years. In tow is his four year -old son Ethan, whom Jacob hopes that, with a change of scenario and the help of family and old friends, both he and Ethan will find a way to make peace with the curveball that life has dealt them.

**Disclaimer: **All characters that belong to Stephenie Meyer belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing. Also, the title is named after Evans Blue's song, _Cold (But I'm Still Here)_.

**Special thanks**: Asher! Her email of encouragement gave me quite a pep. I'd started on this chapter a while ago, but I didn't have the drive to finish. Plus, classes started and I'm sure some of you know how that goes. Yes, I'm full of sorry excuses.

*******

**Chapter Seven: **

An Unlikely Alliance

When Jacob arrived at Sam and Emily's place, the barbeque was still going strong. He'd been at Bella's house for about three hours and though a few rain clouds managed to overshadow the sun, he was still confident that he could make the most of the day with Ethan and the rest of the guys. As a matter of fact in his current mood, he sort of depended on it.

"Well look who finally decided to crash the party!" He heard from up ahead and already he could feel a smile forming on his lips. With a grin, he made his way forward, up onto the front porch where Embry, Seth, and Leah's boyfriend, David sat at ease.

He greeted them all with a slight nod and let out a relieved, thankful sigh when Embry passed him a beer from the cooler by his feet. He leaned against the wooden railing and drank, silently ignoring Embry's amused chuckle as he took a swig of his own.

"So how was your day?" Seth grinned, lounging in an old beach chair.

"Long," Jacob admitted, taking another drink of his beer. Seth's tone was neither coy nor accusing, but Jacob knew for certain that Emily had filled him and the others in on his whereabouts before the party. Hell, even if he wanted to lie about the whole meeting, there was no use. Bella's scent was all over him and the not so subtle twitching of Embry's nose as he stared said it all.

In fact, the only person present and completely oblivious to his current predicament was David and this was only because he was not like them. David wasn't a wolf, but simply an ordinary guy and Jake knew with certainty that it was due to his strictly human status that Leah was finally willing to let down her guard and fall in love again.

"You do look a little beat man," David nodded. He tucked a long lock of brown hair behind his ear.

Jacob didn't know him very well, but David seemed like a decent enough guy. He obviously loved Leah since he knew their secret and still made the choice to be with her. Also, he had to applaud any guy who would _**willingly **_ put himself under Leah's thumb. Sure, she wasn't as bitter as she used to be (the love of a good woman, or in her case, a good man, was known to have that effect), but she still wasn't someone to be crossed.

"Yeah, you know I hear those vampire/werewolf romances can be very draining," Seth quipped in amusement, but Jacob didn't find it funny at all. Without warning, he threw his empty beer bottle at Seth's head, but the kid had quick reflexes. Poor David almost wasn't so lucky.

"What?" Seth smiled, obviously unfazed. "Too soon?"

Jacob merely rolled his eyes. This was all he needed.

After the whole talk with Bella, he just wanted to relax with the guys but apparently that wasn't going to happen; especially if Seth was determined to be such a dick about the whole thing.

"Seth, shut up," Embry warned, but the young wolf ignored him.

"I'm just saying what everyone in the pack is thinking," he claimed, gesturing to Jacob. "Look at him—one afternoon alone with her and already he looks like someone did a Jedi mind trick on him."

"Excuse me," Jacob pushed himself off the railing and took a menacing step toward Seth.

Is that really what he thought? That after one afternoon with Bella, he would actually cave in and try to pretend like nothing's happened? Like nothing's changed in the past eight years?

Ever since he'd gotten back, Jacob felt like Seth wasn't all too forgiving of him making the choice to leave La Push. At the time, he really couldn't be bothered to care either way given the reason for his return home but now, watching Seth become so antagonistic towards him when in the past he'd practically hero worshipped him—it made Jacob wondered. Seth had been by the house plenty of times and he'd never acted like this. He never really hinted that there was something that needed to be addressed in their relationship but then again, Jacob had been so wrapped up in himself that he doubted he would have noticed anyway.

He stopped when Embry stood, putting a hand on his chest to hold him back if needed. "Seth, seriously give it a rest."

"Oh please tell me we're not gonna do this," he challenged. "We're just gonna ignore what's happening here?"

"It's not our business Seth," Embry was trying to be the diplomatic one; the referee between them, but Jacob hated that they were talking about him like he wasn't even there. "If he wanted to tell us about it, he would have."

The young wolf scoffed, "It's not like we won't hear about it anyway." He leaned forward in his chair and Jacob could hear the dread in his voice. "Bella is gonna tell Emily and Emily of course is gonna tell Sam, and then he won't have a choice but to share the news with us," Seth shrugged. "I don't know about you, but I'd rather hear it from the wolf's mouth. It lets me know what to expect because you know just as well as I do that this is not gonna end well."

"Damn Seth, I didn't know that what I did had such an effect on _**your**_ life." Jacob meant it as a simple jab but when Seth said, "Of course, you never do," Jacob was stunned.

_What the hell does that mean?_

He felt like Seth was asking him to apologize for something although he was sure that he hadn't done anything wrong. "All we did was talk, what's wrong with that?" Was this what he'd been reduced to—members of the pack putting stock into how he and Bella would come out of this whole thing once the dust settled?

As if reading his thoughts, Embry said, "Jake, no. That's not how it is. Sam already told us about how Emily cornered you and if it makes you feel any better, I think you never stood a chance. When she gets her mind set on something, that's usually how it goes these days."

Jacob snorted, looking away. It was pathetic, but it actually did make him feel better.

He had no idea what Seth's problem was, but the idea that he'd made the conscious choice to head back into the lion's den, sorta speak, even with some coaxing didn't sit well with him. Neither did Seth's implications of what was going on. At this point, he wasn't interested in starting a romance with anyone, let alone Bella _**Cullen**_. He made sure to remind himself that even though she'd left Edward, she never mentioned that she'd gotten a divorce so he could only assume that was still tied to the bloodsucker. Also, the whole prospect of going there with someone else again made him ill.

Lily was gone and though he was slowly making peace with that (what other choice was there?), he felt guilty that he was entertaining Bella and whatever reasons she had for being here rather than simply grieving over his wife. What was even sadder was that even though Emily was a justification, an excuse for a visit this soon; it didn't necessarily mean that he wouldn't have gone on his own to see Bella eventually. Jacob wondered what _**that**_ really said about him. The more he thought about it, the more he hated himself because it was wrong. Lily had been gone for six months and already there was another woman occupying his thoughts. Granted, she'd occupied his thoughts before Lily even entered the picture, but it still didn't make it right.

"And why does me, going to see Bella, bother you anyway Seth?" Jacob asked looking at him. "From what I understand, you guys have already made her an honorary member of the pack so what's the big deal?" A thought then crossed his mind. "Or maybe you're just upset that she left your BFF Edward to be with me?"

Jacob knew that at this point, he was just talking out his ass but whatever. He still wasn't convinced that Bella was here entirely for him, but since that was the general consensus; he would go with it for arguments sake.

"Oh don't even go there man." Seth rose to his feet, chest raised. "You always resented the fact that I didn't hate Edward, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to see you happy. That I didn't want you to get the girl, but she made her choice Jake and at the time, it wasn't you."

"So what's the problem now?" Jake wondered. He wanted to know why he was catching so much hell from the idea that he and Bella were becoming friends again. Just friends. He had no intentions of becoming anything more and it bugged him that people just assumed otherwise.

"You're lying to yourself Jake." Seth shook his head, solemn. "You and Bella can never just be friends. She ended her life to be with a man she thought she loved and somehow she ended up back here. Here waiting for you."

Jacob hunched his shoulders, at a loss. "And how is this my fault?"

He had no control over what Bella did and Seth knew that. If she was here and he was here, it didn't mean anything. He made it sound like they were destined to turn to each other, like he had no choice in the matter. Like he couldn't just walk away from this if things got to be too complicated. Or maybe that was the reason why he was so upset altogether.

Seth raised his hands in defeat. "I just don't want to see you get hurt again," he quietly admitted. Roughly brushing pass both men, he walked off the porch and around the back of the house.

With the young wolf out of sight, Jacob looked at Embry with wide eyes, his mouth slightly ajar. "What the hell was that about?"

"He's been holding that in for a while; just give him some time to cool off," he said, apologetic. He gave Jacob a reassuring pat on the chest as he sat back down. Jacob let out a heavy sigh as he leaned back against the railing.

"You know, I think I'm gonna go check on him," David spoke up. With a quick swig of his beer, he followed suit behind Seth.

_What a relaxing day this turned out to be,_ Jacob thought dryly.

Bella's involvement with the pack was making things more complicated than he thought they would be. It was different than before. Sure, the pack had always given their two cents when it came to his and Bella's friendship but now that she was a vampire, it felt like they were actually entitled to have a say. Her being here, her being what she was, made her the pack's business.

"Where's Ethan?" he asked, eyes now roaming the open yard.

Since it was obvious that hanging with the guys wasn't the cure to lifting his mood, he looked for the little boy who'd done nothing but put a smile on his face since the day he was born.

"Last time I saw him, he was running around with Danny and the rest of the kids," Embry answered, looking around as well.

"I'm gonna go look for him."

"I'm sure he's fine Jake." Embry gestured to the festivities taking place around them. "Let the little guy run around and be free for a little while. You know, have fun."

Jacob couldn't help but grin, already heading into the house. "Spoken like someone who doesn't have kids."

"And doesn't plan on having them anytime soon," Embry stated, cracking open another beer. "I mean, I love E, Aimee, and Danny, but I'm more than comfortable being "Uncle Embry"…for now anyway."

It didn't take him long to find Ethan, even though the house was packed full of people. Some of them Jacob knew, some he didn't, but in order to find his son all he had to do was follow the smell of blood. The scent, though faint was also distinctive. It led him to the upstairs bathroom where he found Ethan seated on the counter, bouncy but in one piece. Crouched on the floor was an anxious looking Leah. She applied a band-aid to what appeared to be a scrapped knee. Nothing major, just a few drops of blood, but you wouldn't have known that from the way Leah was going on.

"Dude you've gotta be more careful for me," she practically pleaded. Jacob had to fight back the urged to laugh, especially when he saw the look on Ethan's face. "Are you sure you're all right?" she asked and Jacob knew it wasn't the first time she'd done so.

Ethan smiled. "I think I'll live Aunt Leah."

Leah was being a bit overprotective, but it was easy to see that it all came from a good place. She pulled down Ethan's pant leg before standing up straight. "I'm glad to see that my worrying amuses you," she grinned before tousling his hair. "I just don't think that your daddy would appreciate coming here and finding you all bruised and banged up, especially on my watch."

"Oh, I don't know." Jacob stepped out of the hall into the small bathroom. "I mean a few scraps and scratches are understandable, but I draw the line at a loss of fingers or toes," he joked, playfully.

"Daddy!" Ethan's hands reached up in excitement. "You're here!"

Jacob scooped him up in arm, careful of his knee. "Of course I am. I promised you, didn't I? And Daddy always keeps his promises." He ran a hand through Ethan's curly hair before turning to his pseudo nurse.

"Hey Leah."

"Jake," she greeted, just as short.

The relationship between them was a strange one; even Jacob had to admit that much. He found it funny that to strangers and most of the guys, she pretended to be such a hard ass. For the most part, it was true—he'd never doubt her ability to kick ass when the situation called for it—but he also knew that there was another side to her.

The scene with Ethan was just a glimpse at the woman that she'd become. This Leah had actually turned out to be a really good friend to him in the past months. He'd never tell her this—only because he knew that she wasn't one to get sentimental about things—but he couldn't thank her enough, or her mother, or even Seth for that matter, for helping out with Ethan during those dark times when he couldn't even get out of bed in the morning. He would always be grateful to her for her help.

He looked down at Ethan. "What happened with the knee buddy?"

"Oh, I fell down." He held up his leg as if Jacob could see the scrap through his pants leg. "Me and Danny were fake wrestling and I tripped over a rock."

Jacob nodded, shuffling him in his arms. "But you're okay now right?" The four year old nodded. Jake turned to Leah. "What do you say doc? Does he get a clean bill of health?"

She gave it a thought before bringing her hands up to Ethan's cheeks. "Yeah, I think he's gonna make it."

"Where's your grandpa?" Jacob asked, placing him on his feet.

Ethan pointed toward the back window, "He's outside with Uncle Sam."

"He's helping Sam with some of the grilling," Leah supplied.

"Well, if you're really okay, can I trust you to be just a little bit more careful when playing with Danny?" he asked, and Ethan nodded his head. "I mean, I don't think Aunt Leah could take another fall, do you?" He watched as Ethan looked to Leah whose mouth hung open before she narrowed her eyes dangerously at Jacob. Sheepishly, Ethan shook his head.

Jacob smiled, "Well go have fun," he said, patting Ethan lightly as he made a bee line for the bathroom door. "And Ethan be careful!" he called behind him.

"I will!" Ethan yelled back as he headed down the stairs, one at a time.

Once he was out of earshot, Leah wasted no time in saying, "Wow, you look like shit."

"So I've been told," he sighed, leaning up against the edge of the bathroom sink.

"It went that well huh?"

Jacob shook his head. "It was actually the opposite," he said. "It was…rough at first, but we got a lot of stuff out in the open."

"Okay so why do you look…like that?" she asked, taking in is distressed appearance.

"What the hell is wrong with your brother?"

Leah frowned, "Seth?"

"You only have the one," he snapped as she took a seat on the toilet to face him. "He practically tore my head off earlier because I went to see Bella." Jacob was actually upset that it bothered him so much; the argument with Seth, rather than the actual argument. It was striking a nerve.

Leah wasn't surprised at all. "I think he just doesn't want history to repeat itself, that's all."

Jacob wasn't following.

"Jake, you do realize that you leaving had an effect on a lot of people right? That it wasn't just Sam that felt the bulk of it? We all did," she explained. "Especially Seth."

"You guys got along just fine without me here," Jacob claimed. He wasn't buying it. It wasn't like he was in charge or anything. Besides running with the pack on patrol like all the others, he didn't feel like his role here had been all that important.

"My brother idolized you ever since he was a kid, you know that," Leah shrugged. "I think that when you took off, he felt like he'd lost a big brother or something and now that you're back, he's not too keen on the idea of you getting involved with the person that made you leave in the first place."

Jacob had never really thought about that.

"And I think he's so pissed at Bella because he actually went to her and Edward's wedding. He understood that she'd made her choice and it wasn't you so to have her back here, obviously acknowledging that she'd made a mistake… Seth kinda feels like he lost out on all that time with you for nothing. Like it was all for nothing."

"But that's not true," he argued.

Jacob didn't want Seth to think that way because even though Bella's marriage to Edward was one of the main reasons why he took off, he couldn't regret making the decision when he got a family and new life out of it.

It wasn't all for nothing.

"Seth will be fine," she declared. "He's a big boy now. I think it was just the fact that you left so soon after Dad's death—it just hit him harder than he expected."

Jacob had never even thought about that—about Harrry—and that just made him even more upset with himself. At the time, he knew his reasons for leaving were selfish, but he was no good to anyone back then. Miserable all the time over a girl? He was liable to make mistakes and those mistakes could have had tragic consequences for his pack members if he'd stuck around. Even though he regretted abandoning Seth, he couldn't regret making the decision to cut out.

He would have to talk to Seth sooner or later to clear the air. No matter what happened in the past, he didn't want there to be any animosity between them. If it were anyway else, he wouldn't have cared enough to bother, but with Seth…the current strain just wasn't _**them**_.

"You know, being in love looks really good on you Leah," Jacob smiled at the older wolf. The words sort of just spilled out and even though it was quite random, it needed to be said. He wasn't making fun or being sarcastic. He genuinely meant it. There was a light in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a long time. Actually the only time he'd ever seen it was in memories of her and Sam together. She was calm—happy even.

She gave him a light shove in retaliation but the smile on her face was telling. "Don't get all soft on me just yet Jake. I can still kick your ass," she argued.

"Oh trust me; I have no doubt about that." He let out a throaty laugh as he moved to head back downstairs.

"David asked me to marry him," she blurted out and from the look on her face as he turned; Jacob wondered if she considered that a good thing or a bad thing.

"Congratulations?" he offered, hoping for the former. David was a good guy; he could see their relationship heading in that direction. What he didn't see was an engagement ring on her finger. "So what happened? Did you turn the guy down or something?" He took his place back by the sink.

"I didn't tell him no. I just told him that I needed some time to think about it," she explained, looking down.

_What's there to think about?_ Jacob wondered. "You do love him… right?"

Leah sighed as she rose to her feet. There was no room in the small bathroom for pacing, but somehow she managed. "Of course I love him. I never thought that I would love anyone again as much as I love that man," she exclaimed. "But you and I both know that love alone doesn't keep a relationship together."

Jacob would give her that much, but he considered her situation _**normal**_. She was in love with a normal guy, a guy who knew her secret and still wanted to be with her. There was no other man or other woman standing in their way, so he still didn't understand why she was hesitating to take the next step.

"I'm just terrified that if we get married…," she paused briefly before he shoulders slumped in defeat. "I'm afraid that things are gonna change between."

"How so?"

It didn't change much for Jacob. In fact he loved being able to claim Lily as his wife. Maybe it was the whole alpha dominance thing, he wasn't entirely sure, but when he said "I do" it felt like he was saying "mine" and he loved the way it made him feel. She belonged to him and only him.

She was his mate. In _every_ possible way.

"I don't know. I just think that if we get married it won't be long before he wants…and I can't…" She ran a frustrating hand through her dark, shoulder-length hair.

Jacob actually didn't need her to finish. It all was starting to make sense now. Leah was worried that if she and David got married then sooner or later he would want kids and Leah (as long as she continued to shift) could not have children.

"He knows about that, doesn't he?"

"Yes," she collapsed back on edge of the toilet. "As painful as it was, I told him everything about the side effects of being a wolf and he was understanding and sweet and as wonderful as always," she literally gushed.

"Okay," Jake shrugged. "No problem then."

"Wrong," Leah rolled her eyes. "How _**long **_will he be okay with it? Realistically, how long will it be before he starts wanting kids _**despite**_ what he says now? He'd be a terrific father. I know that he would be. I just don't want to get married and then have him to wake up next to me five years from now disappointed that he missed out on fatherhood."

Jacob grimaced, scratching his head.

This was not his territory. Fatherhood, yes. Finding loopholes to have babies…not so much. He loved Ethan more than anything, but his conception was very much a surprise event. He didn't really have to put much work into it. As a matter, the "work" he did, couldn't be called that.

He knew a little bit about adoption and maybe surrogacy, but if Leah really wanted to have her own biological child with David then maybe she would have to do what he'd done.

"Have you ever considered…_stopping_?" Jacob offered.

There was no need to elaborate because he knew she understood him. It sounded as if she gave up shifting than all of her problems would be solved. She could live the life that she wanted instead of being hindered by the side effects of being one of them.

She was quiet for minute before slowly nodding.

"I do think about it sometimes, but the only thing that stops me is the fact that I know what's out there. I mean, after everything that happened with Aimee and the fact that we still weren't able to get to her in time…" She looked up at him, anxious. "And then I think about just being an ordinary human with a kid, powerless to save my child if one of those bloodsuckers got their hands on him or her and being forced to just sit back and wait to hear word like Emily had to do. I don't even know if I want to risk it," she admitted with absolute conviction. "Jacob I could barely keep it together when Aimee went missing. To think about my own baby," he watched as she shuttered at the thought.

Instinctively, Jacob moved closer, pulling her to him.

"You really can't think that way Leah. I mean, I'm what I am and I still worry about Ethan all the time. It doesn't matter, supernatural or not. That's just one of the scariest things about being a parent. You can try so hard to keep them safe, but you can't really protect them from everything.

He was giving her solid advice though it was a bit hypocritical of him. He understood exactly where she was coming from by wanting to have an advantage when protecting the ones that she loved. It was the reason why he'd decided _**not**_ to stop phasing after Sam helped him get it under control.

"I'm just gonna really think it through," she reasoned with settled sigh. "Marriage is a big deal."

"It is, but I think you'll make the right decision."He gave her a reassuring squeeze for good measure.

It was clear that the discussion was over and he was grateful. He didn't know how much help he'd been, but he was hoping that maybe she could weigh in on something for him. He'd never get a chance to bring it up again so he decided to take a chance.

"Since we're doing the whole "cry on my shoulder thing", could I ask you something?"

She looked up at him, eyes suspicious. "I guess I'm feeling generous…"

Jacob couldn't believe that he was doing this, especially with Leah of all people, but so far she'd been the only one who hadn't given her take on the whole Bella issue. And her not having an opinion on the subject was uncharacteristic since in the past she made it a priority to say what was on her mind even if no one wanted to hear it. The fact that she was being so tightlipped now, not only made him curious, he was a little scared.

"What do you think about this whole Bella situation?"

He already knew where Sam and the rest of the guys stood; even Emily had given her two cents. It'd be nice to hear from someone who obviously wasn't invested either way. He wanted to know where Leah's head was at.

"You really want to know the truth?"

Jacob sneered, "No lie to me please—of course, I want to know the truth." If anyone could give it to him straight it was her.

"Fine," she sighed. "I think that you're kiddin' yourself if you believe that Bella didn't come back here for you. I think a part of you _**knows**_ that and I think that you're enjoying the fact that the shoe is now on the other foot. That it's her vying for a place in your life and not the other way around," Leah answered honestly. "Although, I can't really blame you for that considering everything that she put you though."

People were always so quick to blame Bella for his heartache. Granted, he didn't really help in that department but it was like they didn't take into account that he played a part in it as well. He thought he could make her see, make her understand that she was in love with him too and even though he did, it wasn't enough. At the time, he didn't understand but he was a big boy now. A wrong, no matter how much you dressed it up, was still just that.

A few moments of silence lingered between them before Leah spoke. Her voice, much to Jacob surprise, was gentle as she urged him to look at her.

He did.

"I know that with everything you've been through these past few months that it would be easy to fall into something that's _**familiar**_," she stressed, face torn. "And as much as I want to hate Bella's guts, I know what she meant to you. It's not something that I think you can fight even though I know that you want to. Just be careful. Speaking for someone who's taken the route of self fulfillment rather than being practical in a situation that's completely out of your control, I can understand doing certain things that others wouldn't readily excuse or forgive you for."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you actually cared about what happens to me."

She scoffed, "It's purely selfish. The longer you stay, the more time we all get spend with a member of the Black family that we actually like," she quipped, referring to Ethan.

He could live with that reasoning, but they both knew the truth.

"Oh and Jacob, just so we're clear—" She held up her finger in a warning manner, but Jacob was already a step ahead. "We never had this conversation," he finished.

He grinned as she nodded her head in approval.

Sure, it only took eight years and a mutual understanding of heartbreak for them to get this far, but for the first time, Jacob felt like he finally understood and spoke "_Leah_".

.


End file.
